www.cancermonster.net

I had a strange dream. I dreamt there was a monster inside me and if I didn’t feed it something different every few hours, it would start to eat me from the inside out. Hmm. Wonder where that came from?

I have news for the Monster: I may have IT, but IT doesn’t have me!

Today I went to the Hospital to schedule my CT scan for Monday. They gave me a couple of bottles of some stuff to drink before the test. I’m sure it will be yummy. Right. Let’s go with that. Then they drew blood to make sure my kidneys could handle flushing the nasty out. I had the kids with me. I designated them my “Monster Fighter Team”. They seemed to like that title.

Yesterday, after leaving Dr K’s office, we picked up Dan’s Brother Denny and his wife Leenie and went to Starbucks. We talked awhile about what we knew and longer about what we didn’t. And we rehearsed what we were going to tell the kids and how. We all felt that the least amount of emotion we showed the better. Steeled for the task, we headed back to their house. The kids were playing outside. Just as we were about to call them in, we found a small snake in the house! The men wrestled the little guy into a cooler and shut the lid. “I have cancer and We have a snake in the cooler!” Which do you think they will get more exited about? Lol.

We called the children inside and told them that as it turned out the lump was not from a splinter after all. The doctors still don’t know what to call it. Except to say it is Cancer. Brandi, who is nine, jumped a bit. “Cancer means that there is something growing in me that isn’t supposed to be there and has to be stopped and cut out.” And we reminded them that both their grandmothers had had cancer before and they were just fine now. We were just gonna have to fight it. “I will have to take some nasty medicine to make sure that the bump doesn’t come back.” Jaymi, 8, didn’t say anything.

Robert, 6, said, “But can we get something to eat first?” Ha

“Oh, by the way, Uncle Denny caught a snake in the house!”

“Ooo where is it?!”

And that was that for the time being. Children are stronger than they look in the face of a Monster. They, after all, have been fighting Monsters in their closets all their little lives. Who better to help fight the monster inside of their mom?

There is nothing scarier than a secret. Once we found out it was cancer for sure, my husband and I knew we had to tell them. Some thought we shouldn’t. But we knew it would be worse if they heard “cancer” whispered than if it were shouted out loud. In our grandparents day, you couldn’t even whisper it in front of a “lady” for fear they might faint. And often, the one with the cancer wasn’t told at all. I told my family and friends right off that nothing would be hidden from me. Don’t baby me or coddle me. And for the love of Pete (whomever Pete really is), don’t be afraid to say Cancer in front of me. Now that is not saying that I won’t want some TLC from time to time and a back rub about now would be great. But don’t talk down to me or stop being my friend - You can’t catch it from me. Only that may not be true for my kids.

I was equally honest with my siblings and mother. I told them what the Doctor said and I told them how I was feeling about it. And I told them that I was scared, but I didn’t have time to die because I had a Monster to fight. I gave myself one minute to cry with them. But I won’t cry in front of my kids. Not yet.

Not today.

Maybe tomorrow.