www.cancermonster.net

10:00a
Believe it or not, we are just now on the road again.  Day 2 of this trip.  Wanna know where we are?  Medford.  OREGON!   All those who bet on us not making it to Redding, California . . . You get the prize!   (I am shaking my head too.)

We pulled out of Denny and Leenie’s around 9:30a yesterday.  Don’t get excited about that because we drove straight to the tire store and sat there until noon.  They let us stay in the motorhome while they changed the tires and serviced the brakes.  We weren’t there long when Leenie called.

“Miss me already?”
“Oh, not as much as you would miss this bag of laundry I have here!”

I knew I was missing clothes!  Luckily, my Dear Leenie was kind enough to bring the bag of clothes to us.  She accused me of subconsciously devising a plan to see her one more time!

Maybe.   lol

Four new tires and a break service and $827 later, we were off again looking to fill the tanks that were supposed to be full and empty the ones that were best kept empty.   That took more time than we expected.    Meanwhile, we had to fill our own personal tanks.  Lunch took up more space.  Then we were cruising down the highway.  And one by one (starting with me) we started falling asleep.  All except Dan.

Poor Dan.

I have to figure out how to sit in that front passenger seat longer.  I am missing a lot of scenery lying in my bed.

When it started to get dark, we realized that the headlights were on, but they were shedding very little light on the situation.  We were just outside Medford.   It was just before six.  We pulled into a FredMeyers parking lot.  While Dan investigated the lights, I made dinner.   We found out that the local Walmart was not far down the road.

The Walmart RV park was an interesting site.  There were already twelve or so other RVs parked when we arrived.  I couldn’t prove it, but I had the feeling that at least a coupled of them had been there more than overnight.  The lawn chairs and potted plants made me go “”Hmmm?”"

We hiked across the parking lot from where the RVs park to the store entrance.   Walmart’s policy of letting RVs park overnight is not just altruistic.  When you are traveling down the road, you tend to need stuff.  If you park in a campground, you would spend that money that would go to “stuff” on the lot fee.  If you park for free in a Walmart parking lot, that “stuff” money is going to Walmart.  Most people wouldn’t park at Walmart and walk across the street to Kmart, now would they?  See it’s a win-won-get’r-done thing.

We parked at Walmart and did the respectable thing and gave them our “stuff” money. We needed a few things.  One of which was new headlights.

By the time we made it out of the store and back to the RV, it was well after 8:00p.  How that happened, I’ll never know.   Changing the headlights took a little time and made the decision to stay right there for the night an easy one.

Walmart RV parking may be free, but that’s all it’s got going for it.  No electric hookups was a bigger problem than we thought.  There are two ways to run the lights and TVs and microwaves, etc. without being tethered to an electric pole.  One is using your generator and the other is the house batteries.    The batteries get recharged either with the engine as you are running down the road or with your generator.  All systems being interdependent, see.  Our systems are even more dependant than most, since the last owner tied all the house batteries into the starter battery.  You’ll see why in a jiffy. . .

We cranked up the twenty year old generator.  Clink. Clunk.  Sputter, Sputter.  Rumble, PlopPlopPlopPlop.   Ok.  Not so great smelling either, but . . .  Wait, it’s not giving us any power.   All that grumbling is coming to not.  None of that power was transferring to the electric outlets.  Dan got out the manuals and read through the explanations.  Turns out someone at some point made some other alterations. (Can you believe that?)  What he was looking at didn’t match the pictures in the book.  Great.

(This motorhome is jerry-rigged everywhere!)

Long story a tad shorter, by 10:00p there wasn’t enough battery power to keep us from going to sleep. There was nothing else to do.  And there was no way to plug in my breathing machine either.  That was bad.  By morning, we were completely shut down.   The engine wouldn’t turn over.  We had to call the roadside service that comes with our insurance to send someone to jump start us.  And then we had to let the engine idle for close to an hour before we could start off again.

That beings us back to the beginning of this post. 10:00a/Day 2.   It was good that we didn’t try to go any further last night anyway.  The mountain incline we had between Medford and the California state line was something to handle in the daylight.   But the old buzzard made it up and over and down again.

It’s now 2:00 and we are just passing through Redding.  A half a day behind.  We think the road should level out from here.  We should make better time now.  You can cover more road at 55-65 than the 30-40 going over the mountains.

Tonight, though we will have to abandon the Walmart plan and find a campground.  I think the insurance company might frown on sending out a tow truck every morning.  And I need my CPAP machine.  I could do without the parking lot lights too.  (We went to bed at ten and I started waking up every hour after midnight thinking it was morning.)  Camp sites will add to our expenses, but will be cheaper than stopping to get the generator fixed.

On a wing and a prayer.  . .

There is the small problem of trick-or-treating to handle tonight . . . (Yes, we trick or treat.  But not with spooky or nasty costumes.)

Oh, and our pre-paid cell phones have been on roaming most of the day.  I didn’t think there was “roaming” anymore, but if I make or answer a call while on roaming, it will suck all my air time away.  We will need to add air time soon, but I want to stretch it out as far as I can.

Sorry if I missed your call.

Stopped at a rest area, Dan wanted nothing more than a nap!

********

That was the update on the trip so far.  An update on me is a bit more tricky.  In the past 24 hours I have been shaken and stirred like a good martini.  Sitting up in the front seat is only fun for a short while.  Lying in bed gets lonely!  I am sore.  Everywhere.  My new butt is competing with my right hip for lower region dominance.  To give the butt a break, I lay on the hip and vice versa.   The scar on my back doesn’t hurt exactly.  There is pressure against my rib cage where it is healing inside.   There is some fluid build up too.  We’ll keep an eye on that.  I think lying there in my bed bouncing up and down all over isn’t helping to stop the swelling.  It’s all post-op stuff.

The part of “How’s me?” that I have been keeping to myself is the part that is the reason for this trip.  My lung spots.  I can feel my lungs now. Sometimes it hurts, but mostly I can feel pressure. It was October 1st when I had that Chest CT- almost a month ago.   I didn’t feel it then.  My voice is a bit hoarse.  And when I yell (as in - at the kids) I can feel a shortness there.  My snoring is heavier, which means I am not getting enough oxygen.  (This is another reason for electric hookups at night.  I need to be using my breathing machine.)

I’m tired.

And I have lost about twenty-five pounds since I finished my radiation.  Not that I didn’t need to lose it.  I look good!  And when I get my new hair . . . Lol.   Watch out!   It’s a good thing I am happily married.

It is a wonderfully awesome thing that I am happily married to my Dan.  Once again I have to think about my Aunt . . . so many years ago. . . fighting her monster just with the help of her children.   No Dan.   They fought to stay together.  And they won.

And we will too!

***

So I think this might be long enough.  I wrote all day -in between naps - on my blackberry.  I have to transfer it to my computer and get it edited.  I might get Wi-Fi to put it up tonight.  You never know.

Kk.  Until next time. . .Tomorrow is another day!
Signing off from somewhere in California. . .

6:30a

GET UP!!!! GET UP!!!! It’s time to go! It’s today! It’s moving Day!

OK, I had a good night sleep and I am raring to go! Let’s get this show on the road. It’s actually here! I can’t believe it. I am excited! (Can you say M-o-o-d S-w-i-n-g?)

I forgot to tell you that I have been completely de-Borged! For those of you who can’t even begin to figure out what that means. . . Yesterday, I went up to OHSU for the once over for the road, remember? A fantastic young woman pulled my staples (25 pokes in my patoot gone!), refilled my prescriptions, printed out my chart, ordered my pathology slides sent on to the new center in Florida, AND she pulled the last of my drains! I am free of all foreign parts! I am no longer a half robot! That had a lot to do with the way I slept last night!

Looks like all the bikes and the satellite dish has been secured on the roof. That means pulling out of here is emanate. Our goal for today is Redding, CA. Who’s taking bets?

I might be posting in small bites as I can today. You might need an extra eye to keep track.

Here we go! We’re off!

11:00p

Well, we are taking off in the morning.  First thing is the tire store and then we are down the highway.  This is tougher than I thought it would be. Yesterday morning, Denny and Leenie threw us a Brunch.  The whole Portland family showed up to wish us well.  It was a brisk sunny Sunday.  We took pictures out in the back yard.  Everyone.  Then each family.  All the cousins.  It was nice.  I changed my mind about leaving here several times.  This is hard.  Very, very Hard.

Tonight, Kelli and Tim came over for dinner.  Eventually, there came a moment where we all realized that time was drawing short.  I found Kelli with Brandi and Jaymi on the couch and slid in besides her.  She is not quite 19.  Still my little girl.  Children are supposed to grow up and move away from their parents. Mommas are not supposed to move away from their children.  We held each other and cried.  I love her so much.  I am proud of the way she turned out so far.  Lol   I want her to be happy.   And better off than me.

Then my heart broke as I watched the siblings holding on to each other.  This is all my fault.  I had to get sick.  I still don’t know how that happened.

I changed my mind again.  I am sorry to admit that I don’t want to go to Florida.  Not like this. I want to see my family again, but when I get there, “they” will pump my body full of poison.  I will be very sick.  I won’t be able to care for my own children.  Who would look forward to that?

I don’t think this is working for me anymore.  I think I might quit now.  I don’t think I will have cancer anymore. I already gave my butt for the cause.  Isn’t that enough?

aww. . .Don’t pay me any mind.  Once we get on the road, I will be fine again. It will be an adventure!  Ya, That’s the ticket!  I have never been to California.  And I have never been through the desert.   And Texas.  I always wanted to see Texas.   It will be an adventure for sure.  I pray that this old motorhome makes it across!  lol

I’m keeping it short tonight.  I just wanted to let you know that we will be shoving off in the AM.

Keep us in your prayers.  I will be checking in as often as I can.

Love to all,
t

I haven’t written in a few days for a few reasons.  One, we have been having problems with the laptop. The battery won’t keep a charge.  The power supply had a short and was being temperamental.  Without a good power connection, each time I tried to turn it on, it went straight back to hibernation mode.  The thing has a mind of its own.  It’s only a matter of time. . . it’s old and very past its prime.

And we were basically homeless for the better part of three days.  The mechanic held our home hostage while he was working on it.  We dropped it off on Wednesday as you already know.  By Wednesday evening, after spending the day in the car, we realize that we needed a hotel.

That was fine.  We stretched out and had pizza and watched the seagulls flying around outside our window.

There was only internet in the lobby.  I wrote and Dan went down and posted it for me.  We checked out the next morning and went to check on the motorhome. It was sitting there where we left it.  The mechanic was going to get to it right away.

Why don’t they just tell you upfront that they are not going to work on your vehicle the day you drop it off.  It’s bad enough when you drop off your car and it sits there for days not being worked on. You are inconvenienced by not having your transportation.  But when you drop off your HOUSE to be serviced, you really hope that they get right on it, you know. How naive of us to think that it would be obvious to the mechanic that we would like to have our home back the same day.

So Thursday was spent mostly in the car as well.  I am not supposed to sit directly on my new butt remember.  So I was kinda laying sideways on my right hip and it just wasn’t working so well for me.  By mid afternoon, we (Well, Dan actually) thought that we should just go back to the camp ground and hang out on our lot.  The work van was sitting there.  The kids could run and play like they would if the motorhome were there.  Dan said he would set me up in the lounge chair with my laptop and it would be comfy.  It was a better plan than driving around in the car.

Or not.

The sun was shining.  The breeze was . . . THE BREEZE WAS COLD!  There is no spinning it.  It was too cold to sit in the lounge chair like a geek on a camp site with no camper on it.  Momma was . . . Well I was trying to be nice, I really was.  No. I wasn’t.  I was trying to get warm and stop aching at the same time.  Dan, bless his heart, was doing all he could to comfort me.  He set the lounge chair up in the back of the van with the pillows I had taken from the motorhome as padding.  I climbed in and tried to be glad.  I tried.  Dan then ran an extension cord for my laptop.  The post on our site didn’t have a regular plug (like a household plug) so he ran it to the empty spot next door.  And I was at least online.  It was ok. We maneuvered the bad spot on the power cord into a good position. It was better than driving around.  Dan left me in the van and the kids out running around and went back to the mechanic’s shop to sit in his face. He assured me that he would be back with the motorhome within an hour.  Not to long after, Jaymi joined me in the van. We were two cold peas in a pod playing games.

Then a new camper was parked in that empty spot next door. As soon as he plugged himself in, it blew the line and the laptop went to sleep again. So there we were, Jaymi and the laptop and me, in hibernation mode.  It wasn’t good.  When Brandi decided to dig in beside us, it was all I could do not to scream.  Dan called to tell me that the mechanic was working diligently on the motorhome and it would be done . . . Oh, about eight or nine o’clock.  Maybe.

(I don’t have a picture of this.  And that is just as well…)

I couldn’t take four or five more hours of homelessness. I just couldn’t.  I didn’t know what would happen if I were forced to endure it, but I knew it wouldn’t be good.  I think Dan was scared of me right at that moment.  He was starting to talk to me like one would talk to their crazy aunt in a looney bin. “I know, it’s going to be ok.  It won’t be that long.  I’m on my way.  We can pick up the supplies we need and get some dinner and maybe it will be done by then.”

When he got back to the campground the girls and I were huddled together for warmth and Dad knew it was too late for comforting words.  He gathered us back in the car with the heater on and, quietly, worked around us to get everything from the lot into the van.  We wouldn’t be coming back to our favorite place in the world.

Why is it that the few days before you leave a place you love, the stress and trauma of moving makes it so you just can’t wait to leave?  By the time you drive away, you are mentally and emotionally so detached that you have no tears to shed for the leaving.  Sort of like the last few months of a teenagers life at home. . .

Goodbye River. It’s been fun.

We headed back into town.  Did the few errands (Slowly) and stopped to eat dinner at a restaurant around the corner from the mechanic.  (As if just our nearness would hurry him on . . .)  The dinner was bad.  Hahah  Oh, my. Everything was bad.  The motorhome was still not done.  We had no choice but to find another hotel room.

Dan pulled into the establishment next door to the restaurant to check the rate.  We knew we couldn’t afford it. It was a nice place. Too nice.  But my cute flirty husband had the girls at the desk falling all over to help us out.  After he explained the situation they halved the rate, brought us extra pillows and blankets and had us settled into a first rate room on the third floor.  Go Dan.  Bless his heart.

It was Thursday night.

This place had Wi-Fi internet.  I could have written if I could have kept my laptop from hibernating.  I was too fried to keep trying.  If you can’t beat’em . . . I climbed into the bed and put myself in hibernation mode.  My poor body was on fire.  I managed to layer the pillows just right and found the first comfortable spot in days. And I vegged there for the rest of the evening and on into the night.  And the motorhome was still not ready in the morning.  There was a last minute discovery and a last minute part that was coming . . . Just a hour or so and another hundred dollars or so . . . By that time, I was eerily calm.  Spent.

It was noon when Dan called to say that he was driving the motorhome away from the shop!  I herded the children out the door with the last of our belongings and met Dan at the Uhaul lot next door.  We had to rent a trailer to pull the car to Portland.  I couldn’t drive it.  By one o’clock Friday afternoon, I was lying in my bed as it rolled along out of Lincoln City, Oregon for the last time.   The best part of the trip up to Portland was the part where I was asleep.  I can’t tell you much about that drive.   I would have like to watched the trees that changed color since I drove the same way back and forth to Radiation Treatment.  I would love to tell you about them.  But I can’t.  I didn’t see them.
I vaguely remember dropping the car off in a grocery store parking lot somewhere close to Leenie’s house. I almost remember taking the trailer back to a Uhaul nearby.  I woke again pulling into the driveway early last night.

(I know we did that because I see my house perched there precariously in the driveway as we speak.)

I was technically awake while visiting with Denny and Leenie.  After a bit, Dan and Denny went out to get the car and a new power supply for my laptop.  I spent the evening with Leenie.  Although she is very good company, I couldn’t tell ya what we talked about.   When I brought the kids into the motorhome to go to bed, Dan was still out.

He went to the grocery store.  It was after eleven when he came in with the food.  I don’t know where he is getting his energy.  I think he thinks that if he stops, it will all come crashing in.  If he misses a step along the way, we will trip over our lives and skin our knees.  My darling husband.  I don’t know how to comfort him.  I don’t know how to make it better.

I don’t know how to get his own “little voice” out of his head.  I will still be fine even if he stops for a minute to breathe.

At this moment, he is driving back from Lincoln again.  We had to leave the work van down there at the campground.   Uhaul doesn’t make a double decker car trailer.  Denny drove him back to the beach to get the van.  Two brothers on a road trip.

I feel bad that the two brothers will be separated again.   They’ve spent the last five years not only getting to know each other, but getting to depend on each other as friends.  Denny the Elder moved away from home when Danny the Younger was still a child.  As adults, the two brothers lived on the opposite sides of the country, just as they had lived on the opposite sides of the family tree as children.  I feel tremendous guilt for separating them now.  But a bell once rung, cannot be undone.  They, and we, are connected.  It’s done.  3,500 miles cannot unring that bell.

There is a family in Florida that can’t wait for us to arrive.  But there is a family here in Oregon that is getting separated at the same time. There is Leenie, my Leenie. Who could want more in a sister-in-law.  We have had some wacky fun times together. We have a very close relationship.  I love her so.  And the cousins Forest, Keenan, and Callen. When the kids get together, you can’t hear yourself think.  And Eric and Susie, Dan’s nephew and his wife, and their little daughter Jada. We will miss our Oregon family, so much.

And of course there is my Kelli and her Tim, that we are leaving here in Oregon.  She has a good life here.  She has a great job with a future.  She is in school too.  And Tim’s family is here.  I want them to come with us.  Of course, I do.  I also want them to be happy and healthy and successful. I want them to stay here with the life they are forging for themselves too.  You know, they say that the mother’s tie to her children reaches a long, long way.  It may be made of bungee cords . . . If I get down there in Florida and yank hard enough. . .  Never mind.

***********
Ok, long story shorter. . . We are going to try to leave Monday afternoon.   We still have to get tires on the back of the motorhome. And while it’s there for tires, we need to run up to OHSU so that the doctors can give me a once over for the road.   Like I said before, it should take us six or seven days.   During that time, I will have plenty of time to write, but we will have to Wi-Jack internet time.  (Wi-Jacking means to find an open internet connection and borrow it for a spell. . .)  I will post where I can.  That means maybe several days at once, or smaller “Where’s Teresa?” posts on  the sly.  But you’ll be able to see us down along hwy 10 running east in a few days.  Look for the Duck Mobile. . .

And keep the light on.

6:00p
What a day.

Don’t you hate when people say “What a day” and then change the subject without explaining the “What a day” comment. How mean is that? “What a day” could mean that it was a bad day or it could mean that it was a good day.

In my case, it means . . . “What a day!”

It was a bad day and then it was a good day and then it was bad and then good. It was a Day.

I woke for the last time at 6:30 whining in pain. It was the drains coming from my new tushie that cause the whining. The drains had shifted and parts that were not visible before were sticking through the skin making my already sore tail hard to wag.

It was time to make the coffee and wake the kids for their last day of school in Lincoln City. I hate it that they are changing schools again. But they are taking it in stride. I got them up and Dan took over as I fell back into my bed.

Once again last night I woke up about once an hour in a frozen sweat. It takes two or three sets of pajamas to make it through the night. I found a spot that didn’t involve the tubes in my butt and fell back asleep.

AT 8:30, Dan came in and woke me. He had dropped the kids and said audios to the job that had held us here all this time. “They” weren’t happy, but it was resolved never the less. The two of us got busy making the Motorhome ready to roll. Roll first to the mechanic’s shop.

Just the thought of how much this bill could be made my butt hurt even more. We put in a call to the University for the team that worked on the flap to call us back. We might need some reinforcement. When they called back, Dan told them about the drains and how it was hurting me and she said she would call the local ER and let them know what to do to pull out any that were A) coming out on their own, AND B) putting out less than 20 ml of fluid a day. Ok Fine. Be there in a bit.

First the mechanic’s shop. The man gets in for a test drive. He was zooming around in my HOUSE! Slow down buddy! I was wondering what the insurance line was on mechanics taking joy rides in your RV?

“I think there is a bad cylinder. It doesn’t seem to be firing on all 8.”

Now “mechanic” is another language I don’t speak, but that sounded expensive. My hunch and the look on Dan’s face made it feel expensive too. “How much is that, Dan?” “Well over a grand just for that. . . The labor goes up . . . It would be bad, Treese.”

Oh no! No bad cylinders for us. I laid my hands on the side of that whale and started to pray for its redemption from the bad cylinder, what ever that meant. I prayed, “Please, Lord, you know how much we have, and you know how much we need to get to Florida. We can’t afford a bad cylinder.”

With the prayer prayed there was nothing more for me to do. I went back to the car and laid the seat down all the way and tried to get a nap. I waited. I called Dan on the phone, “Did you tell him our story? Use the ‘C’ Card if you have too.” Who could over charge a man trying to get his wife across the country to have cancer treatments? . . . I tried to sleep. I tried to read. I ended up praying some more. When Dan came back to the car he had a different look on his face.

“He told me again that he thought it was a bad cylinder. Then he put a tester on it and no! It wasn’t bad. It was firing on all 8 cylinders! “

Go God!

“He said he could get it tuned up for under $500!”
“You’ve got to be kidding me!”
“And the muffler man (who has a shop next door) looked at the exhaust system and says he can replace the muffler for $90! Under $600! Treese!”

Oh, one of these days my head is gonna roll off my head when I shake it. Another thing falling into place. They do have to keep the motorhome overnight to get it done. That is to be expected. It’s normal even. It’s just that this vehicle is our home too. That means a hotel for the night. Off season. Shouldn’t be too much.

First the trip to the ER to be de-borged. I should tell you that I hate this hospital. Oh, it’s a nice enough hospital for a small town, it’s just that this is where this all started. This ER. In fact the same ER Doctor.

“Do you remember me?”
“You look familiar.”
“On June 2nd, I came in here and you thought I had a cyst. You sliced it open and started pushing it. You called all the nurses in to watch.”
“Oh, yes. I do remember.”
“Yes. It turned out that it was a rare sarcoma. It turned into this.”
“Hmmm.”

And he pulled out the drains and his nurse bandaged up the holes and we were on our way. I just wanted to go home! But my home and my bed were at the mechanics! It was 2:15 and the kids get out of school at 2:50. I waited in the car while Dan went in for them.

Another “Last Day at this School.” They were loaded down with cards and wishes for a safe trip. What they didn’t have was clothes for the night and tomorrow. We drove to the mechanics shop and loaded ourselves down with things. And set out for a hotel for the night. The forth or fifth spot was a keeper. A small suite off season. The bedroom has two beds and the living room has a Murphy bed. Just perfect. As long as the guy gets the motorhome fixed by check-out time. I spent the whole day in the car or worse. I am looking forward to stretching out.

The next few days will be spent getting ready for the final jump. Tomorrow will be waiting for the RV to get fixed. Depending on when the repairs are completed, we will either get the tires and shocks done in Lincoln in the morning or in Portland Friday. I need to check in with the Doctors at OHSU sometime on Friday for a last check over. And then we will park in Denny’s driveway for the weekend making sure that everything is stowed and secured. We should pull away from Portland Sunday or Monday. My first appointment with the new Doctor at the hospital in Florida is November 9th. Plenty of time as long as everything goes well.

Dan and I want to thank you for standing by us. For Praying for us. And for supporting us. We will continue to pray for you forever.

And pay it forward.

Love to You and Yours
t

My mother’s departure marks the end of the first book of this tale.  The rest of the story has good bones . . . But I can’t tell you the details that have not been written yet.  I wish there were no more to tell.  I wish that the rest was just recovering from the removal of the Monster from my hind end.  But the story goes on from here with a trip across the country and a whole new set of Dr’s and Nurses.  A whole new home life.  And Sarcoma Chemo.  I am scared of the chemo with good reason.  I am also scared because we hadn’t planned to go across the country this week and we don’t have the funds to set off, let alone make it there.

Since I was diagnosed, we have lost approximately $12,000 in out of pocket things like hotels and daycare and medications and doctor fees and lost of wages due to Dan having to miss work to care for me and the children. The medical bills in Oregon will now be picked up by Medicaid. That alone takes about $70,000 worth of stress off our backs.  But the further along the story gets, the less time Dan has spent on the job. We have a worker there while he is gone, but that doesn’t make up for him not being on the job.  Then the week before my surgery, I find out that the cancer has spread and I will need the nastiest chemo they have concocted.  And more help than we have here in Oregon.  All of a sudden, we are moving, lickity split, across the country.  It would be difficult to manage a move like this at such a short notice even if there were no Monster Race involved.  We were not prepared for this.  But we have to get prepared, like yesterday.

We just have to get there.  Everything is set up for us once we arrive. There is a park for the motorhome.  There is an offer of a job for Dan. And possibilities of a home to rent for very little.  And the Doctors are waiting there to remove my drains and staples and start the chemo that will flood my body with Monster Poison.  My sisters are there waiting to help.  It’s all set up.

We would leave this minute if we could.  We are selling what we can.  Dan’s family here will sell what we can’t before we leave.  But we need the money from what ever we can sell now. Dan worked as much as he could once we got home from the hospital- at least part of everyday the whole weekend to pad the invoice he is presenting today.  Most of what our worker did while I was in the hospital made us no money.  He was directed away from the tasks that Dan ask him to complete by others that didn’t have our interest foremost at heart.  We actually lost money.  And the owners are playing hardball with us about paying for what has been completed.  Bribing us with holding back this until that is done. It’s so frustrating.

Meanwhile, the motorhome needs four more new tires, a tune up, shocks,  and work on the exhaust system.  This takes time away from the source of the money needed to pay for it.   It’s a vicious circle.  Think about what it would take for you to move 3,500 miles away with a weeks notice.  We are stressed beyond belief.

If we don’t get on the road soon, I may have to fly ahead of Dan and the kids.  I don’t even know how I would make it.  It takes over eleven hours to get from Portland to Ft. Myers.   I am not supposed to sit directly on my new butt. (“My new butt.”  That still makes my eyes roll!) How will I be able to handle the flight.  And manage my carry on during a lay-over.  Because of my sleep apnea, I have a CPAP, a breathing machine,  that cannot be checked in.  And I have a suitcase full of medication that would have to be carried as well.  I am not sure what condition I will arrive in.  I don’t want to fly.

We are in a pickle.  And I don’t know what else to do except to pray for help.  And ask directly for help.  Me asking for your help is harder than anything I have gone through up to this point.  I hate it.  But I am going to cowboy up and pray that someone could help us get to Florida.   We just have to service the motorhome and have the gas money to make it there.

It will take us six or seven days.  We must go straight down the coast to LA and go across the southern route.  It seems like the long way home, but it is already winter through the middle of the country.  We don’t have enough power in this old motorhome to take it over the Rockies, especially this time of year. We don’t know how the motorhome would make it through snowy mountains. We must go around.   We will spend the nights in Walmart parking lots to avoid the cost of campgrounds.  We have two points along the path where we can rest overnight with family members- one is in Phoenix where Dan’s brother Greg lives and the other is in Houston where my Aunt Shirley lives.  Those two nights will give us a chance to take a bath in a real shower!  And get a much needed hug from loved ones.  There will be no sight seeing tours.  Just a race.  A race against time.

My husband is the most amazing man I know.  He is carrying the world on his shoulders. Although he will never complain, I am afraid that the stress of getting the money to go and caring for me and the children at the same time, is getting to him.  He is like The Energizer Bunny- he keeps going and going. He never stops. Cooking, cleaning, laundry - all his job now.  Changing my dressings and helping me around - all his job now.  And the children- 7, 8, and 9 years old- all his job now. Fixing the motorhome- his job.  And collecting enough money to get us where we need to go - all his job too.  It is because of his selflessness that I am asking for your help.  There is a link on the sidebar of each page of this website.  Denny and Anita set up an account for us.  Somehow, I will repay the debt I owe.  One way or another.  But we need help.

Please.

Today, I am not fine.  I can’t stop crying as I am writing this.   I can’t even believe that this is really happening.  I am scared.  Today, I am scared.

I know that I shouldn’t be scared.  I have tried very hard to stay on top of my emotions.  But today, I have lost track of them.  And I feel it all the way to my bones.  I ache.  Every part of me hurts.  The stress has woken the FibroCreature. Today, I am not fine.  It’s just too much.

Tomorrow, I will try to find my humor.  Maybe it’s behind the couch. Who knows.  But it will have to stay there until I have a nap.

I am sorry that I had to ask.  I hope you understand.

I love you all.

t

2:25p
It’s quiet.  Dan has the children at the laundro-matt.  He left with them just after he got back from the jobsite -trying to add to the bill he is putting in tomorrow.

I was napping.

I woke up with a start.  I lost where and when I was for a moment.  That ever happen to you?  Where am I?  I bet that happens a lot with people who travel in motorhomes.  Wake up here and there and where.  We haven’t been very many places with this old beast. We bought it the end of April and moved it down here to the coast.  We moved to one park and then the next park during our September sojourn from here.  And of course, we moved it up to Portland for my surgeries.

In a week, we need to move it again.  This time about 3,700 miles.  God will be moving it.  If it were solely up to us, I don’t know how it would happen.  But so many things have been happening for me lately, that I know God will take care of it.

Like Thursday . . .  We went to the pharmacy to fill the prescriptions the doctors sent home with me.  Dan asked the clerk if she could check the computer to see if my name was on the medicaid list.  It was a long shot. We had only spoken to the state representative the day before I was released from the hospital.  But, there it was.  A number that saved us almost $300 on the medicine I needed. We would have had to pick and choose which drugs to buy now and which would have to wait. But now I was able to say, “Fill them all!” It took them over a month to deny me before.  And it took a couple days to approve it this time. What was the difference?

And finding the treatment center in Florida. . . And being accepted right off when I had to beg for treatment in the beginning of this thing.  Things are happening that I can take no credit for.  Getting to Florida will be one more of those things.

It’s not just prayer.  I was praying from the moment I found out that I had cancer. It is the power of collective prayer.  It’s the people like you that are praying for us that will make the difference.  I have to believe it.

So in a week or so, we will be waking up in different places as we roll down the United States from the upper west corner to the lower east corner like a marble in a maze game.  Life’s an adventure.

********
It didn’t rain much today.  Unfortunately, it rained almost the whole time my mother was here.  Mom came back to Lincoln with us from the Hospital on Wednesday.

Thursday it stormed.  In Oregon, we call it rain with wind.  The same windy commotion in Florida would be called a Tropical Storm. The wind, that gusted up to 60 miles an hour, announced itself with a roar as it came barreling down the canyon like a train in a tunnel. It shook the motorhome and my mother in it.   It was an interesting day.

Friday was much better.  The children went back to school for the first time in two weeks.  It was good for them to get back to a regular activity.  The sun came out and started working on drying up the ground.  Early morning, Mom and I drove into Depoe Bay.  Dan wanted her to see the job that has kept us here all this time.  I hadn’t been there in a while either.  It’s too bad that we won’t be able to see it completed.

The view is spectacular.  Dan has seen whales here in and around Whale Cove.  I have yet to see my first whale.

By the time we headed for the car, the rain had returned.  Saturday, Kelli and Tim came down from Portland and hung out with us a while before taking my mother back with them and on to the airport for her “red-eye” flight back to Florida.
The rest of the time, I was in my bed.  I promise!  lol

Today is Sunday.  And like the Lord, I rested.

2:30p
Before I say how well my day has gone so far (cough cough) I need to make an entry into a glossary of sorts:

It’s a WALKER.  It’s not called a “Stander”, a “Sitter”, or even a “Layer-Downer.”   It’s called a WALKER and the Physical Therapists at the Hospital gave it to me to USE. I know the vast majority of exercise equipment in this country is used as a coat rack or plant stand, but I plan to use the WALKER I was given to walk.  Did I walk a marathon with it?  Did I walk from Portland to Lincoln City? No.  I walked a short ways down a short path.  I stood for a while and then I took a nap.

That being said, I love you all.  Even the ones trying to get me in my bed.  I Love you guys especially.

Maybe it’s because I have had severe Fibromyalgia for the last almost eight years, but I am able to read my own body.  I know when I can walk and when I should take it easy.  I know when I need to take something and when I can push through it.  I know when I need to get to my bed.  If I posted that I slept for two hours and I emptied my drains and took some pills and slept for two more hours . . . If I posted pictures of myself asleep. . . That wouldn’t make for a very good read, now would it?  And it wouldn’t make for a very good life either.

See, this is not just a story, this is my life.  Somehow, my life has taken a sharp left and I am holding on for everything it’s worth.  But I am Fine.   I know that is hard to believe and you think that I am just saying it. . . Or I am being naïve. I am not crazy brave enough to think that the chemo will be easy.  If I really thought that, would I be uprooting my family for a mad dash across country? We are heading to where we have the most help concentrated in the smallest area because the chemo is going to be crazy hard.  And I have these little children that are going to need care.  And I will be throwing up and losing hair and very very sick.   I need help.  I need help when I get to Florida because the Chemo will start quickly.  I will not be fine then.

But until then, I am fine.   Sure I just got run over by a freight train.  I had two major surgeries in five days with only five days after that in the hospital.  But MENTALLY, and sometimes Physically too, I am fine.  It’s a matter of deciding that your fine.   There was a fella in the room next to me at the hospital that wasn’t fine.  He wanted everyone to know it too.  And he didn’t bother with that button that called the nurses station.  He just yelled at the top of his voice, out the door and down the hall.  “I’m HUNGRY!!!!!!”  It was midnight.  I was awake now and come to think of it, a hamburger did sound kind of good, but I wasn’t going to shout down the hall to get it.  And the language he was using would have impressed me if I went in for that kind of talk. Which I don’t.   I wanted to slip a note across to him.

“Hey, Fella?  Practice Happiness!”

But I didn’t.    It did make me look much better next door to that very sad sack.  Life didn’t please him.  That’s really unfortunate for him.

I see my job in this adventure as that of example.  No, No, no.  I am not saying that I am the perfect patient.  In fact there are some nurses that were happy to see me go, I know.  Hey, you get me or you don’t.  I have had a love/hate relationship with society my whole life.  But my goal, other than kicking this monster’s butt like he tried to kick mine, is to show that bad things can happen to you and you can still have a good life.  You can fight with pride and courage and determination and you can still laugh and poke fun and see the good things around you.   If I can help one other person see that they can get through their monster fight without giving up, then I will have passed the test I have set up for myself.   In doing this, I will keep myself from falling to pieces.  By not letting YOU down, I am holding myself up.

I am fine.  If I tell you that I am fine, you can believe it.

********
Last night Dan was removing the tape and bandages from my back –upper and lower– so that I could finally have a proper shower.  I swear he was getting much too much joy out of the removing of the tape. . . but he swears it isn’t true.  Ppfft.

“You know what you look like?

Now, mind you, I am standing there naked and my husband is now looking at my back, with 70 some odd stitches running down my side where they took out the muscle and sewed me back up and 25 staples running across my brand new rebuilt butt cheek.  There are tubes coming out of various sites running to drainage bulbs hanging in tangles across my side.  Tape gunk running here and there, cris-crossing the battle field that is my back.  And my husband says, “Do you know what you look like?”  I know what I think I look like, but I don’t have a clue what my dear husband thinks I look like right at that most vulnerable moment.

“What do I look like?”  Here it comes . . .

“You look like a Borg from StarTrek.”

“That’s great! I am a half person, half robot.  I am Teresus of Borg!  My designation is One of One.  Resistance is Futile.”

“Sex is futile, you mean.”  He came up with that line way to fast!

“Yes.  For now.”

If you want to feel sorry for someone, feel sorry for Dan.  He is now living with a Borg.

*************
Late this afternoon, my Dear Friend from Southern California,  Nalana and her husband Mike and their two boys pulled in.  They will be hanging out here for a couple days.  I am so happy to get to see her before we head to the east coast.  Nothing big.  Just chatting and a fire. Perfect.

I will be back in the morning to let you in on more adventures of the last couple weeks.

Tomorrow is another day.  One I can’t wait to live.

I Have News For The Monster: Resistance is Futile.

1:15p
We’re on our way home! I am laying here in my bed. It’s a little more bumpy than I thought it would be. I just wanted to say hi and let you know that I will write more later.

Oh, and I am so blessed to have so many people praying for me. Your prayers are working miracles. It may take me a week to get you all caught up. It’s a fantastic story.

********
9:00p
Well, when we got back to the river camp, I got in trouble with my mother. We pulled in and parked the motorhome at the camp store. Dan had to move the work van out of our spot in order to park the RV there.

He got out.
Brandi got out.
Jaymi got out.
Robbie got out.

I looked over to the parking lot and my mother was getting out of my car that she drove down here behind the motorhome.

Everyone else got out.
Teresa got out too!

You betcha I got out! Hahahahah

I climbed down the stairs. (Thank You to the Physical Therapist and Occupational Therapist at the hospital that made me go up and down those stairs!) I told a kid to grab my walker and open it up. And quick, before Mom could catch up to me I was walking down the lane towards my river and towards my dear friend’s motorhome!

It had been storming. It poured here yesterday and it is foretold that it will be very bad here tomorrow. But as I walked down the lane, looking up to my survivor Tree waiting for me on the hill, the sun was shinning. And my spirit was shinning. I am here again. And walking!

“I’m fine, I’m fine. Hey J! Ya miss me?”
“I heard you were coming in today!”
“Here I am! I’m here!”

Your darn tootin, I’m walking all the way. I avoided the puddles and I picked the walker over the rocks. I made it.

That small voice, the one that I thought I wasn’t listening to . . . That small voice said, “Well, I’ll be darned. You did make it back here after all.” Stupid small voice.

“No, it’s not cold!” “No, it doesn’t hurt.” Yes, I really am going to walk.”

I never listened to my mother when I was seventeen and I didn’t listen to her today. I had the best time doing the wrong thing. Love ya mom, but I’m walking. She just wanted me to take it easy, wave from the window, and for goodness sakes, don’t fall down! I love my mom.

Dan knew that it was a hopeless venture to try and stop me. The kids just thought that it was mom . . . Walking to her girlfriend’s house . . . No big deal.

It was a big deal.

“Hey! Girlfriend! Come out and play!”

She was falling over her own feet coming out of her house on wheels. I hugged her tight! And introduced her to my mother. Then we all walked on towards our own lot where Dan and J were backing my house in. More hugs and waves from more friends. The park seems pretty empty. Catching up on the gossip here. . . The salmon never showed up. The fisherman packed up and headed back to town. This guy did that and the other one did . . .he didn’t? He did! And I missed it. Oh well.

I was being bad out there standing and walking and talking. I was getting tired, but I didn’t want anyone to know. Especially not my mother, hahah, who had already gone inside. “Well, I better go in and get set up. Dan’s doing all the work. . . Catch ya later. I’ll be here if you need me. . .”

I’ll be here in my bed! Hahha Right next to my medicine drawer. Right here. . .here . . .I’ll be. . .

I heard them say that dinner was ready. I heard them say that they each couldn’t wake me up to eat. I heard it. It came from somewhere right of Hazy Street, up Sleepy Holler. I still wasn’t listening to what I was told.

When have I ever done that?

Dinner wasn’t as important as the dream I was having. The dream of walking home. Down the lane by the river. Looking up at the Tree of Survival.

9:00a
It’s me. It’s really me. I think. I mean, I keep checking the name on this blue plastic bracelet on my arm and it still says Teresa. So I am assuming that I haven’t turned into someone else. But I think I have.

I am someone else. Maybe that’s a good thing. I was due a change.

Physically, I feel better today. But I have had an attitude. grr Ten days of hospital beds, hospital food, and hospital people are quite enough, thank you. I’m full. I think I’ll leave now.

Heheh I am leaving here tomorrow. Check out’s at eleven according to the sign on the wall.

I wonder which of us will be late?

There are many people here that I will miss. Several of the nurses and CNA’s will stay in my heart forever. Some. . . Well, I will pray for them too. May they never find themselves in a hospital with a person they, themselves, trained as their healthcare worker.

********
6:00p
I have been writing a lot today, believe it or not. But either I fall asleep after a few words or I fall asleep and someone closes my computer for me .. . “Isn’t that nice of you. . . No I hadn’t saved it . . .”

Dr. House just came in with his trusty side kick, Dr Young Guy. We tossed some fine butt jokes back and forth and then we talked about H. Lee Moffitt Cancer Center in Tampa. “If there is any delay . . .call me. There are some stitches there that need to be removed . . . And when your done with the treatment there, what will you do? Are you coming back here?”

“I don’t know what will be next. You have taken me as far as you can here and the treatment center was fantastic, but they have taken me as far as they can too. H. Lee Moffitt is known as the top in the field for chest and abdomen in the country. And the Sarcoma Team is ready and willing to take me. It’s amazing. THEY LIKE ME!” hahha

“Of course they do! And I have taken you as far as I can, yes. I don’t work in the lung myself.”

“I would stay if you did.”

“If you come back, call me. You will need to keep on top of this with imaging for a long time.”

He reached out his hand to me and I held it with both of mine. I looked him in the eye and started to cry. How do you thank someone who saved your life? The tumor was the size and shape of a football. He removed it and I walked. I was told . . . Ah, you know what I was told. “You saved my life. I will never be able to repay you or forget you. And he hugged me. And I him. My “House” saved the day. (And he did it without being a jerk like the other one! Lol) I looked over at Dr YG and smiled.

“Will you be . . .”
“Yes, I will be here in the morning to wake you up”
“Oh Good!”

Dr H looked between us and I had to explain. “We have a standing date for 5:30 every morning!”

The two of them walked off chuckling. Go figure.

********
9:30p
H. Lee Moffitt Cancer Center & Research Institute has accepted me as a patient. This blows me away. Anita set it up. God paved the way. This hospital is reputed to be the best there is for chest and abdomen. I had the best for the butt. . . Now the chest . . . Hmmmpp

My God is bigger than this monster.

We just have to get there. God knows that too.

********
10:00p

Oh, man. I fell asleep again. They gave me my meds and they sure work fast. I had more to tell you. I’ll have all the way home to Lincoln to write. And this time, I will be in my bed! Hahah

I’ll be back in the saddle . . .here regular hours again in no time. I have been a little busy, but I have been thinking’ about you.

Tomorrow the part 2 begins. . .

PS:  It took me another hour to post this . . . pleased forgive my writing.  Writing and these meds. . . zzI am getting tired of the back space button!