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Life is a weird ride. I think that most people who over analyze their existence would agree with that. My weird ride is taking a left bank and circling the field ready for the return trip back across my world. We have the tickets. We are going home. We have until April 8^th to get this house empty and board the plane.

I’m tired.

The last Chemo trip was definitely my hardest. It kicked my new tail. I didn’t do much in the hospital except sleep really. And say goodbye to some people that I am proud to have gotten to know. Once again I am taking memories of wonderful caretakers along for the next leg of my journey. H. Lee Moffitt should know that the people who wear his name in the pursuit of cancer cures have done him proud. The people up in Washington State will have big shoes to fill. Good luck to them.

I got home last Friday and ever since I have been squeezing as much energy as I can muster out of myself to get ready for this clear-out-the-house sale that will officially start this Friday. We have been posting pictures online all week and have sold a few things ahead. We have to sell everything and with a double task — We need to have everything gone, yet we need to make as much money as possible on the sale of it. With the proceeds we will have to make a new start in Seattle. It’s going to be a great new life.

Something really special happened this morning. One of the items that I had listed online for sale was my craft caddy. It’s a nine piece rolling art closet. I bought it for the motorhome so that I could keep art supplies with me. I carried it along to radiation and to the hospital. I wrote in the ad that it was the one that you always wanted but couldn’t afford. I said that I wouldn’t be selling it except that I couldn’t afford to ship it home. And here comes the special happening. . . I was feeling kinda low about things. The phone rang. Dan said, “Oh that art cart, here talk to my wife…”

“Yes, I am calling about the scrap booking cart, but I don’t want to buy it. I want to pay to ship it home for you. I buy and sell on eBay all day long, I really want you to be able to keep it.” This virtual stranger had no idea what she did for me in that moment. This gesture was … is so overwhelming that I couldn’t help but cry. She and God wanted me to keep something so. . .in the whole scheme of things. . .unimportant. Yet so important at the same time. She is going to bring a box over to my house and pack up the case. She is going to ship it to Oregon so that it is there when I arrive. I only know her first name. . .Amy.

Everything is going to be ok. This time in my life is amazingly hard. People still say to me, “I couldn’t do what you do.” I am not doing anything that anyone else wouldn’t, couldn’t do. You just have to keep moving one foot ahead of the next.

God sent me a message via Amy.

He cares.

On Sunday, we have been asked to give our testimony at church. I am going to tell them that God Cares about the little things too.

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Please pray that we sell everything quickly and all goes for a fair price.

I am at Moffitt for my 6^th and last treatment here. I didn’t write yesterday because there was no internet in my first room. This morning, just before he went home to the kids who spent the night at gramma’s, Dan helped me move into another room. There is no way I would make it to Friday without the net.

Dan and I came up yesterday for my pre-chemo lab test and doctor visit and were able to get a bed and get this over with. It was very late when I was finally able to check in, so Dan stayed over too, instead of leaving me in the lobby with all my stuff. The thought of sitting in the lobby with my pile of things reminded me of the time I had to sit in the lobby with the kids and our baggage when our motorhome was getting fixed back in New Mexico on the way to Florida. What a trip that was! Not even half way from Portland, we broke down, you remember. We will not be going back the same route.

We are going home to the Pacific Northwest soon. There are many reasons why we are going home now. The main reason is that it’s time to go. Everything that God is doing for us now is in preparation for the trip back. The cancer people up in Seattle have been very helpful. We signed the forms yesterday to have my records transferred to Seattle Cancer Care Alliance (SCCA)- partners with University of Washington Medical Center. They are doing cutting edge work in the Sarcoma Service there. I will be in good hands once again. Because each facility wants their own pictures done, Dr, W recommends having the next set of scans done in Seattle. That’s kind of unnerving for me - not knowing how this last run of chemo did before checking into the next stage of recovery, but I see the logic of it.

We will fly into PDX and stay with Denny and Leenie in Portland at first. Seattle is a couple hours north. When we find a place to rent, we will get our belongings from storage and cart them up. We talked with a social worker yesterday who says that there are funds available to help us get settled in Seattle. Praise God. We have also looked into work and the options are varied. There is more work to be done up there than they have workers to do it. Praise God twice over. I am looking forward to seeing the first sights of spring in the Pacific Northwest. It is spectacular. And very, very different from spring in Florida.

That is the next reason it is time to go. We are homesick. I am sure you have been able to read between the lines –or lack of lines — that we (not just me) are not happy here in Florida. It’s not the care that we have been shown; because we have had love poured on us left and right. It’s just that we are not home. And we left one of us out of this trip. You see, we believe that our family - Dan and I and the four children - were hand picked by God to be a unit. Living 3,000 miles from Kelli is unacceptable to us. We knew it would be hard, but had no idea it would be this hard. The two hours from Portland to Seattle will be enough. Close enough to have weekends and holidays together.

And another reason to go home now is that we feel that God is directing us there. We have turned our lives to him. It is his plan. Our plans don’t turn out so good, see. We have made a lot of mistakes in our past and even now, when we try to control things, things go awry. So when this happens we just turn back to his reign and let God’s plan play out. And the more God’s plan plays out, the more the devil fights to keep the plan from coming to pass. I won’t say that I am under attack, but there are those in my life that are being used by the adversary to cause havoc in my world down here. Even though I should know better, I let it get to me. I am sad to say that I spent the last week in bed, in pain, and very discouraged.

I could use your prayers.

The words that we allow to pass through our ears, whether they are coming from others or from our own mouth, can build us up or tear us down. We need to measure each word we say to ourselves and to others and assume that what you say can be like prophesy. Only say what you want to happen. All this “Oh, they didn’t mean what they said.” Well, don’t say it then. Children don’t know how to stop themselves from saying the wrong things at the wrong time, but Adults should be able to control themselves better.

Sometimes we have to remove ourselves from people that are negative — no matter how much we love them. Especially if we are fighting for our very life. Then, once you have taken a step back, you must replace the negative words with positive Words from the Bible that build you back up again. Don’t let anyone take your Blessings from you. Don’t let the devil work his way into your recovery no matter what it is that you are recovering from.

And everyone is recovering from something.

In the name of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, I demand that Satan get away from me, my husband and my children. I take authority over my home and family and away from the fallen one. He has no rights to my mind or my body. I will follow my God’s plan for my life no matter how hard anyone tries to change them.

I have learned a valuable first hand lesson this past week, though. I learn how a negative attitude effects your physical well-being. Up to this week, I have been as up beat and positive as one in my place could be. And look how far I have come in my recovery. Yet, spend some time in a pit and see what it will do for you. I can say with experience that you must maintain a positive attitude and surround yourself only with positive people to gain positively. “You are what you eat” should be expanded to “You are what you eat, hear, speak, and believe.”

And that’s all I am going to say about that.

No. It’s not all I am going to say.

Could you please take a look around and see that you probably don’t have it as bad as you think you do. Stop fighting each other and fight for each other. I may have Cancer, but I am the luckiest person in the world. I have a loving husband and four beautiful children and I have faith in my Lord who takes care of me. What more can anyone ask for? I don’t have anything more than that. But it’s all I need. Everything else is Bonus Blessings.

Most of you have more than me.

And some of you want what I have.

Go figure.

Another week has gone by and I am still hovering over my life in this holding pattern. It’s taking too long. I want it over with. I am not naive enough to think that it will be over with just because I say so, mind you. But if you have been following this story from the beginning, you know this about me: I don’t sit still well. I am going stark raving mad.

As I approach the sixth sarcoma chemo treatment, I don’t know what comes next and that is driving me crazy. We have asked Dr. W to give us some idea of what can happened if there are still mets in my lungs after this treatment and he continues to tell us to wait and see what happens. I don’t think he knows what to do next. I think he has brought me along farther than he expected (with a better outcome) and he doesn’t know what can be done next. Although Dr. W is a fine physician and has dedicated his life to Thoracic Oncology, he is not a specialist in Sarcoma. We need a Sarcoma team.

Research has brought University of Washington at Seattle to our attention. According to US News & World Report, UW is #6 in the country for cancer treatment. They have a well established Sarcoma team that’s doing breakthrough treatments for over 500 sarcoma patients a year. I want to be one of that number (if I have to be apart of any of this).  We are working on that.

And we will be able to go home to the Northwest.

We want to go home.

At the risk of disappointing everyone I know and love here in Florida, Dan and I found out that we are no longer Floridians. My kids are definitely not Floridians. It is only March, and we are too hot. It is too flat. And the palm trees just don’t compensate for the forest. We have not adjusted. We are like fish out of water. We don’t know how we will get home, just that we need to get there.

None of which is important.

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I slept a bit today. Right on schedule, the tenth day after chemo I am the most tired. I wish there was a home test for blood counts. As it is the only way for me to tell if they are down is how I feel. It will last a couple days and adjust on it’s own.

I have another week until my appointment with Dr. W and then we have to fit the next (last?) treatment in before Easter, I pray. I really don’t want to be in the hospital for Easter.

At least I will be home for my birthday. This Sunday. 3-16. Jaymi thinks it’s pretty cool that my birthday is 3-16. Just like John 3:16- which she learned in church and has memorized. “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”

I will be 42 years old on Sunday. My gramma Nora never quibbled about birthdays. She said having a birthday is better than the alternative. She had a lot of birthdays. I will never quibble over birthdays again. Besides, I am WAY younger than my sisters! Hehe

In fact, 42 is a very good number. Yah, it’s a great number! 42.

I’ll take it.

Yes, Yes. Here I am.

I got home Thursday evening feeling physically well, but sleepy. Very tired. I slept through the evening and the next day. I slept through Robbie getting sick. Dan was up with him most of the night Friday. I stayed in the bedroom all day Saturday to stay away from the little boy still throwing up. Sunday morning, he was better. We went to church. Halfway through the service, the Children’s Pastor was tapping me on the shoulder. Great. “One of your Daughters is in the bathroom, sick.” It was Jaymi. We collected her and the rest of them and left for home. Not long after, Brandi was throwing up too. I went back to bed and closed the door. Poor Dan.

It hit me by late afternoon. I threw up for the first time since the first cycle of chemo. I guess I was due. I kept track of my temperature. I never got a fever. Soon it was Dan’s turn. By late evening we were all curled up somewhere nursing our own wounds. It was a very long night.

This morning, I called the school to say the kids wouldn‘t be in. We all need another day to recoup. We are disinfecting the house. All the sheets and pillowcases, the dishes left about and the floors and countertops. And the bathrooms. Everything must be de-bugged

You could say that it was just one of those things. OR You could say that we were attacked by the adversary. But we made it to the other side.

It’s very hard for a mother not to be able to care for and comfort her children when they are sick. It’s very frustrating, but I had to keep my own well being first. The last thing I wanted was to be back in the hospital! And I still need to be careful during the cleanup.

I couldn’t hug them. And that stinks. It reminds me of when the flight attendant tells you to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others. It makes sense but it’s still hard to do.

Life goes on. Everyday things keep happening even though one may think we are dealing with enough. Life continues. As they say, “Cancer is a just word, not a sentence.” My cancer story is changing everyday.

Back in June, the story was different. I was different. I many ways, I want to go back there. I miss the park. I miss the river. I miss my friends. I miss the simply way of life. I didn’t have a clue what was ahead. I was funny. Hah. Imagine a funny person with cancer.

The past four months here in Florida have been . . .weird. Surreal. Every three weeks I spend five days being someone else in a hospital. Then I come home and sleep for a week. Just when I get back to a semblance of myself, it starts over. I am not in charge of anything. It really is Dan’s kitchen. I have never stepped a foot into the children’s school. If I drive myself somewhere, I get a pat on the back for doing something big. It’s not funny. Lol. I don’t feel like an inspiration for anything.

Yet, Sunday, before I knew what the day would bring, I woke up happy. I rolled into my husband’s arms and I felt the laugh lines around his eyes as I told him how much I loved him. I prayed to the Lord a thanksgiving for him in my life. What would I do without Dan? “Every thing would be perfect, Lord, if we just had a little money.” lol Broke and Happy. I have never in my life lived so long so dependant on how the Lord Provides. We don’t need all the things that we thought we did. We do need each other. And the light bill paid.

I am watching my Dan sleep next to me. He is so tired. He spent the weekend taking care of all of us — even when he was not up to the job himself. He did what he had to do when he had to do it. If my flawed human husband would put himself out so to take care of his family, what will the Perfect Lord in Heaven do to care for his own? Who sings for he song bird? I pray now that the Lord reach down and cover my husband in His wings. That He give my Dan comfort and courage to repair his tired and beaten heart. Lord please relieve the stress that he carries. Lord, please provide for us as you know we need.

I feel that there is a gathering of energy around me and my so called story. I imagine living on the edge of a spearhead held in the grips of the Master Archer. The tension is mounting. Soon I will fly. Where to? What is next? No one will tell me. I hope it’s home.

I want to go back to Oregon, believe it or not. I miss the mountains and the coast, the rivers and the trees. I miss my daughter more that I can ever express. I need to be with her. I miss my old life. I miss the book stores and the coffee houses that makes the Pacific Northwest trendy. I miss the rain! Can you believe it?

There is work in the Northwest where there is none here.

I want to go home, but I have no idea how to get there. My prayer is that it is also God’s will. Because He is the provider. I have turned over my life to Him. He is in charge. He will send me where He wants me, where He needs me. He will use my story for the good of his will. Maybe he has other plans than me. . . But Lord, could we first circle back home?

Five treatments down. What to go?

For today, just a bit more sleep.