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I am home. Hehehehe Wheew, I tell you what, I never thought I would make it back here. Truly. But here I am, never the less. God had a different plan. Here with my family around me- Dan and Mom, the siblings and the children is such a wonderful feeling.

Wish you were here.

I got home last night, but I didn’t have a chance to let you know. I came home with a beautiful pot of miniature roses that arrived just in time from Arizona! (Thank you Cousin Sherry and Lyle.) I didn’t come home with oxygen! I was tested before I left and I got a 97! I didn’t even study for the test. Go figure.

My sisters and brother showed up in the hospital as I was doing my exit papers. So I brought them along home, too. It was the least I could do being that they flew all the way from Florida and I didn’t even . . . Well anyway, “Hail Hail, the Gangs all Here!” We climbed into our PJ’s early. I got used to being in pajamas in the hospital and the rest of the gang is from the eastern time zone and it was bed time already for them. After a short nap, I had the pleasure of Kelli and Tim’s company and Eric too.

Eric brought me the most exquisite flower I’ve ever had. An Orchid! Phalaenopsis, or the Moth Orchid is supposedly the easiest for beginners. So delicate it scares me! So beautiful that I don’t deserve it. I love it.

This beautiful Orchid reminds me of the Grace my Lord has for me — and for you, too. You don’t deserve it. You have no way of knowing what to do with the Grace you have been given, yet He gives it. Because … He loves you. You can’t earn it. It’s just a gift.

Just like the extra time that I have been given. It’s a gift from my God. I had to explain that to Brandi this afternoon. (I have to catch the other two little ones alone as well.)

“Brandi, I am so happy to have this time with you. As long as it may be, I want to love on you.”

“What do you mean? ‘as long as it may be.”

“I mean that God let me come home, but I really don’t know for how long. It could be a day or a week. A month or more? I don’t know.”

“You mean you could still die?”

“Yes, honey. That’s what I mean.”

I went on to tell her that it was all in God’s hands and that I pray that I can stay a while, but it wouldn’t be as long as we all wanted. She may be just ten, but she is a literal person. Say what you mean and don’t hedge around it. She asked if it meant that she had to be the big girl in the house and maybe if Daddy couldn’t cook dinner, she would have to do it for him. She would get a cookbook, she said. I told her that I wished it was another way. That I wanted to raise her and know her babies.

“You will know my babies, mom. We’ll all be together again real soon.”

“You’re right, Brand. If fact, I will see your babies before you do! I will say, “Come here you little Spirit! I’m your gramma!”

She laughed at the thought of me chasing around her little babies in heaven. So did I.

I hate to do this, but I think I have a responsibility to tell them that I may be home, but…

Don’t get me wrong. I have not given up my fight. It goes on and on. This just has to be done for them.

“Mom, have you talked to the other children about this yet?”

“Not yet. So this is just between us for now.”

“I am a big girl, mom, but Robbie is just a little boy. You probably need to tell him. He thinks your “Home” you know.”

“I know honey and I will.”

I will. Soon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My nephew, Joe - Pam’s son, is here from Seattle for a visit. He brought along his ten month old baby boy. The kids haven’t stopped following the baby around. They love babies.

Dan is just back from the grocery store. Everyone is helping bring in the food. Mom is making a tuna noodle casserole and a big salad for dinner.

Everything is normal, see.

Only it’s not.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I just had a nap. (Kinda, hehe) I laid in the bed and rested while I talked, first with Anita and then with Kelli. I got my second wind. Now I am ready for LOST tonight!! I love LOST. You’re not going to believe this, but when I was dieing, I was thinking about all the things that I would miss.

I kept coming back to this: “Man, I really wanted to see how LOST turned out.”

hahhhhaaaaahahaaaaaaa. Go figure.

Dinner’s ready. Talk to you tomorrow.

It’s me.

It really is me.

I didn’t think I would be writing again this side of heaven.  But I live another day.  I know that may sound different coming from “I-am-not-dieing,” but the truth is I am.  We all are you know.  Just some sooner than others.  As it turns out for me, not as quickly as I was lead to believe this week.

I‘ve talk about having to face one‘s mortality before, but most of it must have missed me until now.  This week, I got the whole pie right in the face.  It was bitter.

I can’t get into the whole long/short details now- I am having a tough enough time typing this out, but the fluid that I was glad wasn’t in my lung, but only just around it nearly smothered me.  It was blood and they had to find the bleeder and fast.  They put in a chest tube- that is still there under my arm. They radiated my entire right lung twice.  They had me under some huge machine, doing I don’t know what.  They looked at me like it was all a waste of time anyway.

But it wasn’t.

The bleeder was never found, but the bleeding has nearly stopped for now.

Somehow, I took a turn they didn’t expect and walked back into life.  They don’t know how it happened.  But I do.

You prayed.

God listened.

I don’t know how long He has given me, but I will take every moment and love on my family — my husband and children. My mother and step-father & siblings –both no-laws and in-laws . . . And out-laws too.  For as long as the Lord has set before me, I will cherish the gift.  I will be ready for the move to the mansion God has waiting for me in Heaven, but holding on to the fact that thirty years ago, my dear Aunt Shirley was told she had to find a home for her children. Now, her children are providing a place for her to live.

I will never forget the day this week I had to tell my children that God had a big decision to make: whether He needed me to go home to heaven and wait there for them, or if I could come home to stay a little while more with them here. They took it gracefully. Each with as much grace as they could muster. They all know what Heaven is. They know what kind of company you keep there.

“I want you to be with me, mommy.”

“I know Rob. But that is what we have to leave in God’s hands.”

He’s seven.

Kelli has been a rock for me and her dad this week.  Only nineteen.  One minute a mighty grown woman, the next moment just a child herself.  I am so proud of her.

The two girls in the middle tried very hard to be strong.  Nine and ten years don’t give you quite long enough to be strong enough for this.  Yet they pulled it off in spite of me.  Or in front of me.

But Don’t forget:  God is Good.  All the Time.

I give all Honor and Authority to the Lord, my Savior.  Whatever was done this week was done with His direction and by His Love.  Whatever time I have is also His will, not mine.

Please keep praying for me and my family.  And anything you can do for Dan means the world to me.  He is trying to hold it all together. Remember it was moving weekend? And we had to turn in the rental car and find something cheep?  This’ all happening while I am here fighting for my life.  Please pray that the perfect cheep vehicle shows up first thing in the morning!!!

I really don’t know what they are going to do tomorrow.  I don’t know when they will take out the chest tube.  It has been a holiday weekend after all.  Someone will let you know what the plan is, if not me.  By the way, my mom is here.  She came in yesterday and my sisters and brother will be here on Wednesday.  Meanwhile, I am breathing much better and my pain is to a dull roar - mostly from the tube insertion site and my tush is tired of this bed. But I am thinking clearly most of the time and I walked around the department twice today. It’s all good.

ONE MORE THING: I want to share with you a Psalm that I thought was awesome - last week. This week, it is my saving grace…

They say, “It ain’t over ‘till the fat lady sings . . . ” Well, I am getting skinner everyday. . .  so if you’re even kinda’ fat . . . (you know who you are), PLEASE, for whatever reason, DON’T SING ALREADY!

I know many of you want to know what is going on.   I can tell you that she went from 100cc’s per hour yesterday to 220cc’s all night,  that means the bleeding has about stopped and they are moving her out of the ICU today.  Praise God!

She feels much better, breathing better, sleeping better and getting her appetite back.

I can tell you now, that both Teresa and I did not think she was going to make it from what they told us on Friday.  The Doctors said they also thought the same thing.  Thankyou for the prayer chains!

It was a scary time, and telling the children that this might be the last time they see their mother was….well, the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.   I pray to God that none of you ever have to go through something like this.

Thank you everyone for reaching out to us, and please click on the red box with the pictures on the upper right and join the new CancerMonster.Org website.  We have people joining it that are cancer survivors, family members and friends.  This site is going to be the place for support and networking.

God Bless,  Daniel

I don’t have much time to write this, sorry I have to be brief. The fluid in Teresa’s chest put her life in danger and she is in the ICU at OHSU. The doctors drained the fluid and she is now breathing better. Her right lung is collasped and because of the treatment will remain that way.

The bleeding is coming from a tumor somewhere and they can’t do anything surgically to stop it. Blood clotting agents and radiation is being given to her to stop the bleeding. As of the writing of this it has slowed and her blood count is staying up. Tonight or tomorrow we will know if she is going to survive this or not. I’m sorry to tell so many of you this way but I have been living at the hospital.

Pray for the bleeding to stop in her chest, I will watch the emails to here and try to get to you when I can.

PS: My nephew Eric has created a new site for Teresa, please join:

cancermonster.org
Daniel

Everything went smoothly today. I wanted to clear up something that was cleared up for me: The fluid is not IN my lung but in the cavity between the chest wall and the lung. I was very relieved to hear that. (Whether it makes a difference in the scheme of things, I don’t know for sure.)  This fluid pushes against the lung, compressing it and causing the shortness of breath. They were not able to take out all the fluid today. There is a safety margin that they cannot go over for fear of collapsing the lung. This may have been my first Thoracentesis but not the last.

A sample of the fluid that was removed will be sent to the lab for testing. They want to know what started it. Sometimes an infection or pneumonia will cause this kind of build-up. In that case, I was told, the fluid would be clear. My fluid wasn’t clear. It included blood. Not uncommon in my situation, I was told. Click here for a site that I found informative on Thoracentesis.

How do I feel now? I had a long nap when I got home and now I can breathe deeper. There is still fluid in there. Walking up and down the stairs of a three story townhouse is not all that fun. I just can’t go from the basement level through the living level, to the bedroom level in one trip. I am believing that all this will improve with the chemo. As long as I get somewhere and sit there a while, it’s cool.

I see Dr. R at 8:00am tomorrow morning, At some point, I will be climbing in a chair for a new round of Chemo. I have no idea what time that will be, or how long it will take, except that I won’t be admitted to the hospital for it. (Lord willing.)

Now, I need to eat some of this dinner that Dan set in front of me. (He didn’t give me a napkin on purpose - so I can’t spit it out in it…)

I’ll catch ya tomorrow. Maybe.

The past two weeks have been the hardest in my struggle. The pain in my lower back has been replaced with fluid on my lungs. We almost went to the ER on Saturday, but held off until today so that we could go to the doctor’s office instead. I’m not sure that was a good idea or not. After a few phone tag rounds we were told to come right down and go directly to X-ray. Dan’s brother came to give us a ride and the devil though he would be cute - Between the time Denny came in and said hello and we walked back to the car, it had a flat tire! Get away from me geeze! But the tire was changed quickly and we were on our way.

I told the tech getting me ready for the X-ray that I couldn’t get my cross off - it’s just a cheep child’s cross on a velvet string that we got out of a gumball machine for fifty cents. I have had it on for a couple weeks now and I have to admit that I didn’t try very hard to get it off.

“No problem. Just stick the Cross in your mouth!” Nothing like putting your money where your mouth is!

See God is still my ticket. God is still the only way a person could handle such a battle as mine. My Faith keeps me afloat.

“Ok, let me just check these shots to see if they came out alright…”

I watched her through the glass as the pictures of my lungs came up on the screen in the booth. I saw what she saw.

• “Are you going to see your doctor today?”
• “Yes, I am going straight up there from here.”
• “Oh, good.”
• “There is fluid there huh?”
• “Weell, ya.”

The left side was a long crescent shaped cavity. The right side was a small top-sided hole. The right lung is about 70% flooded. I knew there was fluid in there; since Saturday morning I have been hearing the bubbling when I take a deep breath. And the pain on the right side has been mighty in it’s own right. I have had a progressively harder time catching my breath on simple tasks — even talking too much now.

• “Have you had part of your lung removed?”
• “No.”
• “When the fluid fills up, you can’t see the lung on the X-ray.”

We didn’t get to see Dr. R since he doesn’t see patients on Monday’s, but we did get in with his colleague Dr. K. She’s nice. She talked with us and talked with Dr. R. She ordered some procedures that will keep me busy for the next few days.

One I already took care of: blood work. Did that on the way out.

Tomorrow, 9:00am, I am having a US Thoracentesis Aspiration. “US” standing for “Ultra Sound.” Ultra Sound is how they will guide the needle into my back and drain the fluid off my lungs. I am told that it is a routine procedure. Maybe for them. 

After that fun job, I will have another CT. It has been since Seattle that I had a picture taken. Since I have been waiting this whole time for treatment, they want to see how I did on my own. . .

Wednesday morning we see the big guy first off. Dr. R has ordered standard care chemo for that same day. We need to get something going. This waiting hasn’t worked out so good, guys. This Chemo will be in the chair for a few hours and back again in eight days. Gemcitabine and Taxotere are both chemo’s used for lung cancer among other things.

I will also be getting a call from their Thoracic (Lung) guys to discuss a fix for the anticipated ongoing problem of fluid on my lungs. Dr. K talked to us about a permanent drain installed like a spigot in my back that would allow us to drain off the fluid at home every morning. Or a surgical procedure that would remove the space that the fluid now occupies. I am shaking my head at that explanation, because I really don’t remember what she said about the surgical option. Hahah I didn’t understand what she was saying. Sorry.

Kelli picked us up when we were done.  We enjoyed a scenic route home and laughed most of the way.  It means so much to be back together.  This past month living together has been more than a homecoming.  Next week they move to their new house.  I am going to miss them. But across town is much better than across the country.

Now, I am tired and need to lay down.  Before I do I have a favor to ask.  I need your prayers and I am not ashamed to ask for them. We need to pray for each other. It’s a small world after all. Send me your prayer request at teresa@cancermonster.net . I have found that praying for other people everyday takes away the focus on our own problems. Give it a try. I have joined a prayer circle I found online and it has given me a great peace of mind. 

While you are praying for my health, say a prayer for our finances too. The world marches on as we struggle to keep up. The Lord will provide. The Lord will provide.

As something important comes up, I will fill you in. . . yes, I will!

I am done for now.

Love to all,

t

I’m here.  And I’m ok.

I am in a mess of pain though.  I don’t know what the deal is, but I am achin’ pretty bad.  Across my lower back and down my left leg.  (Not the right leg that Seattle was worried about…)  Maybe I just over did it.  Yah, let’s go with that.

I guess I didn’t write last week because I didn’t want you to know that I was in pain.  How stupid is that?  I’ve gotten good at hiding my pain, thanks to the Fibromyalgia I lived with for seven years.  It toughened me up.  But I think I might be at the end of my toughness.  This week’s pain is like a hundred people collected all the pain in their lifetime in a bucket and they all dumped their buckets over my head at once. 

What makes it worse is the trial chemo-fantastico has been delayed due to, first, clerical slippage (that’s the nice way to say it, see) and now, denial by the powers-that-pay for such things.  Even though, they aren’t paying for it!  The actual drug and all extra treatment associated with it will be paid for by the study.  But the state insurance needs to be on board because they will be billed for the everyday things that I would get even if I wasn’t in the study.  Like: periodic scans and blood tests, and routine doctor visits.  I think they think that if something goes wrong they will be stuck with the bill, see.   It doesn’t make sense because if I don’t get the free chemo, then they will have to pay for the other chemo… duh.     I got a call from Dr. R’s nurse and she said not to worry.  “Dr. R is working on it.  He will make it happen. Don’t give up.”

“No.  We don’t give up.  We are not that kind of people.  Dan has already filed an appeal this morning.” 

“Good.”

Dan filed the appeal with the insurance company, and I filed an appeal with the Lord.  I feel like King David… Have you read some of the psalms where he was crying out for the Lord to hurry up already?  That’s what I have been doing.  A whole lot of praying and a great deal of sleeping.

We did add another church to our tour of churches this weekend. God must want to see if we know what’s wrong with a church before He takes us to the right one. Yesterday’s church was ok.  Not great and wonderful.  It was huge and produced.  It was missing something.  At least it wasn’t missing what was missing at the last church.  We walked into the coffee shop where they were selling coffees and teas and goodies like any Starbucks . . .(It brought to mindhow Jesus clear out the temple of the money changers and let all the birds go. “DO not turn my house into a market!”)  The people were milling about from the previous service and those getting ready for the next one were getting their energy drinks.  We asked and received the directions to the children’s church where the other kids were playing video games and indoor basketball.  Then we made our way to the “auditorium” where the band was playing already.  Dan and I love a spiritfilled worship service, but the average age of those in this group was seventeen.  And then the Pastor appeared.  Yup, he appeared.  Nothing miraculous, now.  He was on closed curcuit TV!  Turns out that he has three such churches and traveles between them; appearing on video at the other two!

Many times I have walked into a new church and knew that there was something missing.  But I have never walked into a church and had the missing link be the PREACHER. 

It’s just not right.

It has taken me all day to write this.  I keep falling asleep.  I hope to hear some good news tomorrow  - that I can come and start the new chemo right away.  Pray for me ok?

Love to all

t

Here I am!  Were you looking for me?

Things are good.  Met with Dr. R today and signed some papers enrolling me into a clinical trial for a promising new drug with no name.  We’ll call it “Lovely” chemo since the letters and numbers that make up it’s scientific designation look kinda’ like “Lovely.”  And besides, that’s what I said, “More Chemo, Lovely.”

No really, compared to the chemo regimen that I just finished, this one should be easy.  Two hours in a chair every three weeks instead of four days in a hospital room.  This drug has been engineered with sarcoma in mind.  I just wonder how strong it is, being that it is delivered in two hours. I remember what the Ifosfamide did to me delivered in a short time. . .  But I will be able to go home after the treatment. That’s a fine point.  I start sometime next week.  I’ll let you know…

“We would like nothing better than to have you get a fantastic write up in a medical journal when they all disappear.”  Dr. R chuckled and probably wrote in my file that I was in denial just as the last doctor proclaimed in his records.  He would have written a book in there if he knew what I was really thinking.  “It’s too bad that the results will be skewed when God heals me.  They will take the credit when all the credit belongs to my Lord.” 

If faith = denial, then so be it.  My faith has carried me this far.  I will not abandon it now.  Call me a Zealot.  I believe in Divine Healing.  I know that God is healing me now.  What I don’t know is how people can go through what I have gone through without faith. 

“Faith doesn’t work if you have it.  Faith only works if you work it!”  Rev. TD Jakes

I AM WORKING IT, BABY!

Speaking of faith… On faith, we stayed here at Kelli’s believing that we would be able to take over their lease when they move out in three weeks.  We were given a no answer from the owners at first.  We prayed.  They changed their mind.  We have now until the end of July to find the place we want to live.  

And Dan has something very good in the works.  I won’t talk about it now, but say a prayer for him that we are blessed tomorrow and things go his way. 

The fella at the disability office worked overtime to transfer my case from Florida to Oregon as fast as possible.  (Thank you, thank you and I take everything I ever said about government workers back.)  And we had a wonderful gift today from the Sarcoma Foundation — thanks to a dear friend who stepped up on our behalf.  Thank you, Darlin!  She lives down there at my old river park.  Oh, how I wish was right there, right now.  I can see that river and that tree up there on the hill.  Remember the survivor tree? 

One tree standing in memorial to it’s fellows.  That’s still me.

All that glitters is not gold, however.   Last night I was laying in bed watching TV and playing a game on this old laptop.  I had the laptop sitting on my chest — I am sure laptop owners everywhere have, at one time or another, done the same thing.  I, however, shouldn’t have done it with this laptop.  You see, the cooling fan inside my little friend here, is going out.  It tends to get pretty hot.  Adding to this is the fact that I had just taken my pain medication (and I guess said pain medication works better than I thought.)  All of a sudden I jumped, almost knocking the computer to the floor.  You’re not even going to believe it, but the laptop burned my skin through my nightshirt!  Guess which part of me was under the nightshirt?!  Yup, now my left boob matches my left butt cheek!  Burnt to a crisp!  I am not exaggerating.  I really should have asked the doctor to look at it this morning, but I was too embarrassed.  Imagine, “Ah, while your looking at my butt cheek, could you take a look at my boob?”  No, I think I will nurse (no pun intended) this wound all on my own.  Yup, just as my daddy always said, “When your gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough.” 

I am the toughest old broad I know.

And that has made all the difference.