www.cancermonster.net

I am taking a moment while waiting and this is the best way to contact so many people.  Teresa is in ICU at OHSU with what looks like an infection or pnemonia.  She is being put on a ventilator now to stabilize her.  As of the writing of this we don’t know for sure whats wrong and which way this is going to go.  Please keep us all in your prayers.

Daniel

By Daniel McNabb

I want to share with you what has transpired since I left the post yesterday that Teresa was going to the hospital.  Let me first say that I have never seen her in such pain, even with the pain medications she takes it was not near enough.  We had to call 911 and get the fireman and paramedics to get her down the stairs in a stretcher because she couldn’t walk.

Then the long waiting began at the hospital, nothing goes quick there.  We do get VIP treatment because of the cancer and never have to wait in the waiting room,  that’s about as far as it goes.  Kelli took her little brother and sisters home with her at 10pm, thank you God, and Kelli.  A 1 hour wait for pain med’s,  3 hour wait for CT scan, 6 hour wait for ultrasound, wow,  it’s 3am.   Doctor told us the good news, no fracture, no bleeding or anything else causing the pain.  Wait, did I say good news?  Then what is causing all of this pain?

They told us that they couldn’t do anything and it’s probably  the cancer and that we could stay in the bed till morning.  I went home to get Teresa some clothes, medications and I got 2 hours of sleep.  I got back at the hospital to see Teresa in the same amount of pain that she had been in for the last 16 hours.  She said that even her other parts of the body hurt now.  A doctor came in and I asked her what the liquid pain med that they where giving her equaled  in Morphine.  “Oh” the doctor said proudly,  “It’s 10 times the strength of 1mg of Morphine.”   “And how much and often have you been giving her this?” I asked.  “1 dose per hour”  she stated.   So I did the math quickly in my head, they are giving her the equal of 10mg of Morphine per hour so that would be 120mg for 12 hours.  AAAGGGGGHHHH, no wonder she’s in so much pain!  That is half of the dose she takes just to control the regular pain.  All of her medications and the dosages are on the computer monitor in the room, no excuses, they dropped the ball.

I then laid out all her medications that I brought from home on the stand next to the hospital bed and started dispersing them to Teresa.  She got dressed and I wheeled her out of the room and the hospital, both of us exhausted and Teresa still suffering.  We called Dennis and Leenie and they met us at the house to help me get Teresa up the stairs in the wheelchair.  Thank you brother and sister for doing that, without you we couldn’t have gotten her into the house.

Here’s the kicker, yesterday during the day Teresa was getting an extra 60mg of Morphine IR every couple of hours for breakthrough pain, it wasn’t working.  This morning in the er room I gave her just a little extra of the Morphine CR, within  an hour of that she wasn’t feeling as much pain.  Later in the day I went to give her the afternoon medications and when I wrote them down I realized something.  I had not given her anymore medications for pain since the morning and no breakthrough Morphine.  She felt much better and the pain in the hip and leg were gone.

God does answer prayers.  All of you that woke up this morning and got your rss or email notice that I posted about Teresa going to the hospital started to pray.  Then you told others to pray for her and God answered.  Thank you to all of you that prayed for her today, you touched someones life.  God Bless.

I’m taking 5 minutes time to write this so I can ask for some specific prayers.

Teresa was just taken to the hospital by ambulance because I couldn’t get her down the stairs and she can’t walk.  We have been increasing her morphine to cover the pain but have been unsuccessful.  She is agonizing over pain in her right hip and leg so please pray for relief.  I’m taken the children with me now to the hospital so we can be with her.

I don’t know if the pain is from a tumor on a  nerve or she broke her hip,  she had no traumatic event or fall she just hasn’t been able to walk by herself much and it has been getting worse.

Please pray for her and my children. Thankyou, Daniel.

Well, we bit another bullet yesterday. The Filter is in my Inferior Vena Cava — the large vein that carries de-oxygenated blood from the lower half of the body into the heart — and protecting the entry to my heart and lungs. The procedure went smoothly. It seems that I getting well known there at the hospital. People either know me from olther procedure I had done or know of me anyway by story. Yesterday’s procedure was no exception. The awesome staff in the Interventional Radiation Unit made sure that I was very comfortable. And the Angio Lab did likewise.

Funny thing is that I recognized the place too, from that night they were looking for the bleeder in my chest. But it was not the same place. Lol. When I was in the ICU and my right lung was collapsed, the place looked much scarier and tighter. My extreme claustrophobia combined with the fact that I couldn’t breathe . . . Well, this visit cleared up the vision for me.

“Someone’s already been in here.” The doctor said when he saw the scar.

“Yes, looking for a bleeder. . .”

“They must have been in a hurry.”

“Oh Yes, I was in the ICU…they didn’t really worry about the way the scar would show up. Lol”  And neither was I that night. Funny, the chest tube scar looks a bit ragged too…

*******

I’m going to keep this short today. I have chemo this afternoon - we are going ahead with the rest of this round to fill my body. Chemo works the whole system and we still need that. I start radiation on Tuesday of next week and that will run for 6 days and then back to chemo after that. I believe that is the “so-far” plan. As long as I can keep my tush out of the hospital in the next week I should have some time to rest. And the rest of the family too. Except for Dan… He gets no rest. It helps that we now have someone to help around the house. We have qualified for a Home Health Care provider. My new friend comes around twenty hours a week to do what ever needs to be done. She is awesome.

And my house is clean!

By Daniel McNabb

I thought that I would write this quick post to let you all know what’s going on. We just got back from the hospital after seeing the Radiation Oncologist Dr. F “Here we are again!” but the mood turned to a more serious nature. The resident Oncologist and Dr. F explained to Teresa and I that that the new tumor at the spine in her lower back was a danger to rupturing her major artery and could cause what we and the Docs call a “catastrophic” event. The same tumor has caused a blood clot in the vein from the kidney. They also examined the tumor that bled into her leg and decided to radiate that one too. I said that while we are here why don’t you radiate the one in her neck messing with her arm not working. They said ok, we’ll radiate that one too.

So, an hour later Teresa was in radiation doing a simulation for the three different areas that get radiation. On top of all this Dr. R the chemo doc, doesn’t want the chemo treatment to be held up (neither do we). Chemo on Wednesday will continue as normal, with next week being the chemo week off, Teresa will get the radiation treatment for 6 rounds.

Tomorrow we will check into the hospital at 10am as an outpatient to have the procedure of putting a screen in her vein to stop the clot from breaking away and going to the heart or lungs. I am told that we will be there all day for observation, the employees, all 12,000 of them at OHSU are getting to know us pretty good.

Today is the first day that we have our home health care aide here at the house. It’s a blessing to have the help for 4 hours a day, to bad she can’t make the dinner.

So it all boils down to this. The CT scan showed some growth in the left lung but not the right, some new tumors but not any substantial growth in the existing ones. Maybe the little bit of chemo that keeps getting interrupted did make a difference.

Please, keep us in your prayers, and please comment right here. We would like to hear from you even if you don’t have much to say.

God Bless.

Well, now that Dan has tattled on me with that last post (He did a great job, don’t you think?), I suppose I need to let you know how I feel and deal with it all.

You take it to GOD first. I hate to hear “Well, all we can do is pray now…” ALL WE CAN DO? No, no. The first thing you do it take it to God. You let God be in control. Set your faith in God and then put your hope in the Doctor that God has chosen for you. Yes, God has chosen my doctors even though they don’t know it. There are a ton of them too. I have been blessed with not just a teaching hospital, but a medical university filled with experts looking for answers to the puzzles they are presented with. They work in packs — multidisciplinary is a big word there at OHSU. God brought us back here from Florida to this team. And that’s a good thing. Because I am a puzzle for them.

And the next piece of the puzzle presented itself to us yesterday.

Thursday, as you may or not know, I had a CT scan. The scan itself, was the smoothest, easiest photo session I have had to date! First thing in the morning, of course, I had a long talk with my Lord. “God, please send me the best tech today …”

Then, I have learned now to ask - NICELY - for better care. It went something like this: “I have some special issues that if we address them first, this scan will go better for all of us. I am not trying to be difficult, just cooperative.” I proceed to let the person doing the IV that I have difficult veins. Then I let the CT Tech know that I have painful bone lesions throughout my back. “If you could have everything set up and ready for the scan BEFORE I lay down on the slab and then do it as quickly as possible - getting me back off the slab the moment the test is completed…” By the time the IV was placed, I had already drank the contrast fluid down and it was time to scan. Dan was out in the lobby with the laptop waiting for me to come out to drink and wait… but I was already headed to the photo lab. Not only was the Tech all ready for me, she had extra padding in the form of pillows for my head and a wedge for under my knees which made laying on the slab so much easier. She was quick and kind. Everything the other tech (the one that got me flowers delivered from the hospital management) didn’t do. When she delivered my back out to my waiting hubby, he wasn’t even ready for me.

• “Ok, let’s go.”
• “Go Where?”
• “Home”
• “What?”
• “I’m done, pack up the computer.”
• “Where’s your drink?”
• “I’M DONE! LET’S GO HOME!”
• “Praise God!”

hahha.

So Lesson learned:

1.  Pray
2. Ask Nicely for what you deserve
3. Thank God for giving it to you.

Friday afternoon the call came from Dr. R.

The puzzle:

“I have the results of the CT here.” First off, as we expected, he said there is some growth in the lungs. Not a lot, but the mets in there are slightly bigger from leaving the chemo off for radiation. (“Mets” being a slang term for metastatic lesions - or the tumors that spread to another place in my body) “There is now a lymph node involved in a lower back vertebrae.”

Great.

“As happens with you there is something weird going on too.” Seems there is a blood clot in my kidney - evidently where the kidney drains. There is concern that the clot could break off and travel through my heart or lung. We have always known that phrase “Catastrophic Event” could rear it’s ugly head. (Don’t you love when I use old clichés?) The usual first treatment for a blood clot of this type would be blood thinners. They cannot give me a blood thinner because my Sarcomas are known bleeders already.  Dr. R said that he would talk with the other doctors and see what they think, but maybe just continuing with the chemo and doing nothing else that might cause other issues would be enough for now… He would, however, be talking to Dr F in radiation to see if he could do something and there are other preventive radiology guys that might have an idea… Call the office first thing Monday morning…

“What can I do in the meantime?”

“Nothing. If you feel sick or… go to the hospital…”

And with that we said goodbye.

I was sitting half way up the stairs for this whole conversation. We had been planning to go to Target when the phone rang. I had been climbing up the stairs on my bum - needing to get dressed to go out. Should I keep going up or go back down to the living room and my trusty old arm chair that I spend most of my day in?

Do we keep going or fall back?

I chose to keep going up the stairs. When I got to the bedroom, I needed to catch my breath. Dan and I sat there for a long moment. For that moment, I felt weak and small. When Dan stood up to move on, I asked him to pray for me. “Ok, a short prayer and then we go ahead and get dressed…” And he began to both praise God and beg for God’s hand. It spread into the most powerful prayer I have ever heard from my husband. He is really getting good at this! Hahah   I love him, so.   “Lord, protect us from the lies of the devil as he tries to scare us with this.”

And they are lies. I will not let the lies of the devil into this battle.

When we said our AMENs, I was renewed.

• “Let’s not only go to Target. Let’s go to the Mall too…”
• “Kids, we’re going to the MALL…”
• “The Mall? Why? What are we going to get there?”
• “Nothing really, let’s just get out of the house for a while, huh? What do you think?”

See, we don’t go to the mall. We have no money for the mall. We barely get to Target. The kids had no concept of strolling the mall. But hey, we left all our burdens in God’s hands and had time to waste, right?

Before we could get out the door, the phone rang again. It was the Radiation Office staff with an appointment for Monday morning to meet with Dr. F. “What is the appointment for?” “To discuss what is happening now and see what can be done…” These people are so quick to respond!

Now, “To the Mall!”

The five of us wandered (ok, I wandered via my wheel chair and a trusty friend to push) the mall looking at the kitchen gadgetry. (We are really into cooking shows lately! “Oh my! That‘s the pot that Emeril uses! It‘s $365.00!)

Long walk, short… we made our way around the mall and back out the door again. The Target trip for staples went quick since we were already spent. When we arrived back at the house there was a message on the machine from Dr. R. “Hey guys, by now you should have heard from Dr. F.   I want you to talk to him about getting some radiation for that spot”   WHICH SPOT? I don’t know.   And he had already talked with the Interventional Radiologist about putting a filter in the vein to keep that clot from breaking off and going to the lung. He said it was a pretty straight forward thing to do. Ya. It’s always routine with them, right? But, once again — quick to respond to the need that I have. I feel that I am in good hands. He wants to do this Monday or Tuesday. I have no clue what is involved in “doing this.” I guess, I’ll let you know.

I don’t know if I will get the second half of this new chemo round that I started this week. Every time I start chemo something comes up, you know. It’s a lot to take in. How could one do this without faith in God to pull you through it? How could you face an empty wall with a sack of scary and no shelf to lay it on?

Last night before I laid down to sleep, God sent me a message. In my Life Application Study Bible, the introduction to the Old Testament book of Daniel told me that Daniel and his friends were told to wait patiently in faith and not worship the gods of Babylon or accept that society’s way of life. “God still rules over human activities. Evil will be overcome…” Of course I am not calling my medical team evil Babylonians here, but I was reminded that I live in this society, but I am a child of the Great Physician. I don’t know how this is going to play out. But I do know that God is in control of it. Because I gave it to him first. Not last.

There are four “Megathemes” presented for the book of Daniel here in my Bible:

God is in Control: “Our Faith is sure because our future is secure in Christ. We must have courage and put our faith in God, who controls everything.”

Purpose in Life: “It is wise to make trusting and obeying God alone our true purpose in life. This will give us direction and peace in spite of the circumstances or consequences.”

Perseverance: “Be relentless in your prayers, maintain your integrity, and be content to serve God wherever he puts you.”

God’s Faithfulness: “We can trust God to be with us through any trial. Because he has been faithful to us, we should remain faithful to Him.”

Life Application Study Bible copyright 1996 by Tindale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, IL 60189

I need you to pray for me. I need you to pray specifically that the clot in my kidney is resolved, dissolved, and/or removed without that Catastrophic Event that no one wants here… Then there is the new tumor with the lymph node involved.   And the lungs… Oh, just PRAY FOR ME!    Hahah    And I will pray for you. Next week will be another busy venue for us. Never a dull moment in the McNabb household.

Pray for me a dull moment while your at it… lol

————————————————

PS: On the side bar there is a short video of our little girls… They don’t know anything about it. Brandi would be … crazy of she knew we shared her singing with the world. Shh! Don’t tell her!

By Daniel McNabb

We have all heard that expression sometime in our lives “Count Your Blessings”. Did you ever take the time out to really do that? Oh, I know “what have I got to be thankful for?” Bills are behind, kids are disrespectful, job is not going well or the spouse is not listening to me. I don’t want to take anything away from you, these are things that I also complained and groaned about.

My, how events in your life can change your perspective. I know some of you have experienced what our family is going through and some of you are also going through it right now. My heart goes out to you.

I want to share some of the typical things that we and other families with a loved one who has advanced cancer experience day to day. Let’s leave out the daily phone calls to maybe a doctor, pharmacy, social security, palliative care, or many other support or medical care and talk about the important stuff.

Sleep, food, conversation, children and other things. Other things might include the medicine, which seems to consume so much of the time. Teresa is very organized, and with so many prescriptions she had to have a chart for her and me to know what has been given. The day is basically 3 rounds of drugs: morning, afternoon and evening. I wish it was that simple. Two major things play into the equation, Pain and Sugar. No, not the sweet tooth, Diabetes (because of the steroids for swelling) and sugar levels keep us evaluating glucose readings and food intake. I seems like sometimes it’s just a guessing game on how much to take.

Pain, something that we have a special doctor to manage but is the biggest challenge. We see the pain doc every two weeks, but every week is different and new things develop. Then it’s up to us to figure out how much to take and what. That brings me back to the charts, we write everything taken and what time just in case we forget. Can you imagine if you forgot if you took 200mg of Morphine and went ahead and took it again. Some people might not wake up from that, we have to monitor all of it.

What makes all of it more difficult is the changes that have happened lately and the physical effects they have. The newer pain in her lower back and the tumor that bled into her left leg have affected her mobility and the amount of pain has increased. It’s not cut and dry how much of the instant release Morphine to take. You have to look and see how long ago you took Methadone, how much and when you last took the extended release Morphine. Based on that and the amount of pain, and if you want to stay awake, you decide how much to take. This is not a decision she makes on her own, it’s hard to think straight when you are on so many painkillers. No matter what we do right now they still don’t do the job, so we have resorted to applying prescription Laticane Patches on the most painful spots.

With the mobility issue and the lost of the use of her left arm simple things take on a whole new meaning. I now have to walk her up and down the stairs, a fall would be devastating. She needs assistance in just about everything you and I take for granted. Dressing and bathing is very difficult with one arm. If she needs anything (like a drink or meal) I have to carry it for her and anything she needs I have to go get it for her.

If you can imagine, taking so many different prescriptions can really mess with your body and system. There has been more than one occasion when Teresa has called for me because something isn’t right.  One time it was feeling flushed and her heart racing that scared her.   She just needed someone there to be with her to deal with each of these things.   She, or anybody in this condition needs someone to be with them all the time.  

I wanted to tell you these things to give you an insight in to what are life is really like right now.  Taking care of the kids and the house on top of this does not leave you much time for work either.  It is tough, I don’t know how anybody could get through this without having faith in God.  We always trust in Him and He always provides for us one way or another.  I didn’t share this with you to make you feel sorry for us, I just want you to understand.  I just want you to count the blessings you have and be thankful for what the Lord has provided for you.

Otherwise, today we spent half the day at the hospital and Teresa started her Chemotherapy again.  Tommorow we will be there again for the first half of the day getting CT scans to get a baseline scan on the tumors.

We have been blessed to find  Rolling Hills Church and all the great people there.  There support lately confirms are faith and allows us to share the works that God can do in our lives.  I look forward to sharing again with you on here in future posts, but don’t worry Teresa will be writing too.  God Bless.

I promised, but I am going to keep it quick…

You know what? Surgeons travel in packs. No less than four surgeons and Dan and me . . . In an exam room… tight.

“We are dealing with growth. There is bone, there is disc, and there is something more.” I don’t know how they see these thing. To me it’s like seeing a baby on a sonogram two days into life. I just don’t see it. But they did. “As I recall, you said that if we could just get rid of the pain, you would be much happier.”

To fix the arm would require an extensive surgery with a long recovery period that we can not afford since it would stop any chemo/radiation treatment.

To fix the pain there are things available that a pain management specialist can get for me, like steroid injections into the disc. We will be contacted in the next couple days …

Yes, I am disappointed but not discouraged. We were hoping for a clean vertebrae. But this is just one more way to express God’s Glory when he relieves me of these tumors. I will be healed. One way or another.

Tomorrow is my last radiation treatment. I am scheduled to resume chemo treatments next Wednesday, I believe. I have an appointment with my Palliative Care Doctor this Wednesday. He takes care of my medications. We are still working on changing my medication from a morphine base to a methadone base. A lot less Methadone is needed to cover what morphine covers. . .

After Wednesday, we will get a break for a while. The past weeks having to be at the hospital every week day has been trying on not just me, but the whole family. The children will get to run and play a bit more this month.

Your prayers are heartly felt and appreciated. If God wants my arm to work, he will make it work. It would be easier on my life that’s for sure. Let’s pray for each other.

Love to all,

teresa

Oh, BTW: The bleeding lesion in my leg has slowed to a stop I think. The bruise is down past my knee, though the top is fading.

I have no idea when the last time I wrote. It’s been a tough week. I guess it’s been longer than a week, even, since I wrote. Tough couple weeks. Why is that? Let’s see. My left arm doesn’t work. That makes it hard to type. But I think it is more than that. I spent the better part of the week at OHSU between appointments, procedures, and emergencies. I should have told you about all of those. But I didn’t. Why? I really need your prayers. Why didn’t I ask for them?

Pride. 

Yah, that’s what it is. My Pride is getting in the way. I know that Pride is a sin. And I am mad at myself for it. It doesn’t make much sense, I know. God has taken care of us every step of this path. This Adventure for Christ that I am on here. . . It’s always “fun” to see how God pulls off each rescue. I only wish He wouldn’t wait until the very last moment to give you what you need. We are in need. Money is so tight it’s starting to choke us.

I feel like I am sitting in God’s waiting room with a fist full of applications and a number that is so long I can’t read it.

Well, while I wait I may as well fill you in on what’s been going on.

Stepping back to last week… I spent the weekend (the one before last) in pain through my neck and down my left shoulder and arm which was once again just hanging uselessly. The only relief I could get was with cuttings from Lidocaine Patches that is the only thing it seems my state insurance plan won’t pay for. With the help of Leenie and Dennis, we were able to buy a couple patches and make it through the weekend. Monday morning we left a message on the nurses line at the radiation center. An hour or so later one of them called to say that the doctors wanted to see what was going on and ordered an MRI for that evening 8pm. “Well… ah… I need to be sedated. I was told to use the words ‘general anesthesia’” “That is going to take a little more time. Call you back.”

Next call was interesting. “Please go to this website and look at this machine. Tell me if you could do this…” http://www.epicimaging.com/site/new/upright-mri.asp Someone has now created an MRI machine that you can stand or sit in. You are not shoved down a tube. It’s open in front of you with a flat screen TV hanging on the wall across. “Could you do this?” “From looking at that picture… I think I could do that.” Within the hour I was scheduled for this walk-in-MRI. And the appointment I was given was within an hour of that. And clear across Portland.

I didn’t have time to freak out.

But it was going to be easy. No Claustrophobia issues with this right?

Well. It wasn’t as simple as all that. I sat in the chair. He put on different collars (I refused the full face cage of course) and fiddled with this and that. Handed me a bulb on a string and said “IF you need me, squeeze this and I will come.”

Then he pushed THE BUTTON and backwards I went. Into the belly of the beast.

“Hey… whoa, whoa, whoa…”

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m going in there. How far in there?”

“Back in there just a little ways more.”

“Ok then. Ok.”

And I went ahead back into the machine. But there was still nothing in front of me. No tube. I was just squished between the sides. I could do this. I can. God help me do this. It’s a million times better than the tube, right?

And then the clacking started. Rats. The sound was still part of the equation. Clacking and Clicking and Bonking. Geez. I was watching my stories on the TV though, while the MRI was going on. That was cool to think about. Once the noise got too loud to hear the TV I started to get squirmy. I had the Oxygen on, but I was having some difficulty catching my breath. I thought maybe it would be a good time to take my Technical friend up on his offer of assistance once the bulb was squeezed.

“What’s wrong?”

“I need a break.”

“A break? Really?” Still, he didn’t come right away. By the time he did come in he had a sad kinda sick look on his face. Turns out pushing the bulb meant something different to me than to him. To me: Break. To him: Start OVER. Oopps.

“I can take some more Atavan and we can go again. How long was I in there?”

“Oh, twenty minutes.”

Oopps. I was going to spin some story blaming it on the tech when I got to radiation. But the rat… he called them up and told them it was my fault before I could tell them it was his fault.

There were two other people waiting and ready for their walk-in-no-claustrophobia-issue-MRI. I had used up my chance for the day. I had to go back on Tuesday morning. Morning meaning 7:30 am. Dan wasn’t pleased. Neither was I. But I showed up first thing. NOT bright-eyed NOR bushy tailed. I showed up drugged to the max and ready for a nap in my cozy open-faced sandwich. The tech had a plan. There was the head cage- he insisted because I moved yesterday– there was no tilting. I sat straight up and down. That was good. I got ear plugs and no glasses this time. No TV. I slid back into the machine and passed out. It was over before I knew it. On the way home, we dropped off a CD of the scan at the radiation center.

By the time we got to radiation, Dr F and Dr M had already combed through the pictures and were excited about something.

“We think this may not be cancer that is stopping the arm from working.”

We may be looking at a compressed disc. Just after Robert was born in 2000, I had pain in my left arm when I nursed on that side. It turns out that three babies in two and a half years might not be a great idea. I had blown a gasket. Lol The disc at C6/7 in my neck was squished (How many times am I going to say squished in this post?) and need to be removed. The surgeon removed the disc and replaced it with a donor bone. That was covered with a plate attached with a couple screws into my spine. He said that the next disc up, C5- they all have these numbers- was also weak, but not enough to fix at that time.

Well, this may be the time. Dr F and DR M thought from the scan they were looking at, it may be the time. Compressed Disc. But they had to be sure. There was still the possibility that there was cancerous growth on that knuckle causing the pain and lack of functionality.

“Even if it is a compressed disc, I don’t want you to think that you have been getting radiation on your neck for nothing. Had the disc not compressed, you wouldn’t have lost the use there and we wouldn’t have done the first MRI that lead us to the dangerous tumor at the base of your spine. We probably wouldn’t have found it. This is a blessing in disguise.”

I had to share a smile with Dan. It wasn’t just a coincidence that there was two issues with my neck. One drawing attention to the other. I would have wished that God had found another way to point to the bad tumor that wouldn’t have been so debilitating and painful. But if there hadn’t been the one, the other might well have killed me. Go figure.

I was able to talk to Dr F about faith and what God has been doing all along in my life. And you know what? He was listening.

“Look what he did when he opened my Lung.”

“That is truly amazing. You don’t know.”

“Dr. F, what I like about you is that you think outside the box. You make things work for me instead of having me work for it.”

“There is no other way to do it. You have to make it work.”

“You Killed my lung.”

“Well, yes. I told Dr. R that it would never open up again. But there was nothing else to do.”

“It opened up.”

“Truly amazing.”

“God is good.”

He went to work looking through my back scans for a decent picture of the plate already in my neck. The two of them decided they had to go somewhere else to find it. “If they call you for your treatment, go on back.”

They came for me. Twenty minutes later, treatment over, I was taken back to the exam room because there was two surgeons waiting for me. Hahahahhaha

Dr F had gone to the ER to get the surgeons to come up to run a battery of tests — push this, pull now, don’t let me do that… They had already looked at the Sit-in MRI scan and determined that the problem was probably compressed disc but they wanted a clearer shot. A regular MRI has a higher resolution, but because I already have metal right there from the first fusion, they wanted a different kind of scan done. A CT Myelogram. Basically, using an X-ray machine, a Spinal Tap is made and dye is injected into the fluid. The dye is manipulated to the site by tipping the head down. Then the site is scanned with a CT. It was Tuesday and they wanted this scan done on Thursday or Monday because those are the days they are in clinic and can see me. The problem is two fold. One, was it just structural. Two, if it was a compressed disc, was it bad enough to have to stop my treatment to fix it now. Evidently, the fact that the arm does not work is worrisome. The longer the limb doesn’t work the more permanent damage we are doing to it. But I have two more radiation treatments and then I go back to Chemo.

I need to get more chemo and now. See on Wednesday…

Wednesday I woke up with that lump that has been just there on the groin line was bigger and kinda sore. I didn’t think much about it though. About 10:00a, Dan was helping me get dressed and he said, “What is that? Did you hurt yourself?”

There was a dark thin line down the front of my leg. It was a blood line. Hmmm. We left another message on the machine at the radiation center. There wasn’t a quick call back though. As the day grew, so did the bruise under my skin. There was internal bleeding for sure. We really needed to have it seen. We needed to go on in to the ER. The only problem is that it was Robbie’s 8^th Birthday and we knew the way things go at the ER. I felt really bad. I was going to ruin his birthday. But you know, that kid is fantastic. Dad took him to the store first to spend the B-day money he got from Gramma and he was a happy fella with a new PS2 game he had not thought to have ever owned. (It was on clearance for $7!) “It’s ok mom, really…” We called in some reinforcements to watch over him and his sisters and went on to the hospital.

I was examined by a whole gaggle of disciplines from ultra-sound docs to a team of surgeons (The ones I am seeing for the arm…) A couple ER docs were insisting on a new MRI but I put up a fight. The surgeons were called in to determine if it was necessary or not and they found my legs working well enough to wait on the procedure they were ordering. The Myelogram CT — scheduled now for Friday. As the day progressed, so did the bruise though. I was told that the body would reabsorb the blood. As long as there was not a pulse to the lesion that was bleeding, it wasn’t “life threatening.” It was almost time for my radiation treatment so they let me go. Dan rolled me in my chair from the ER in the main hospital to the radiation center in the next building. Dr M was there to see me. She reassured us that there was nothing to do for the bleed that the body wouldn’t take care of on it’s own. “It seems your Sarcomas like to bleed.” Great. “The bruise is gonna get uglier before it stops.” Great. I went then for my treatment. I finished the neck and now I have just the abdomen until Tuesday. 

We made it home with plenty of time for celebrating an eight year old Birthday. 

Thursday, let’s see… Thursday I had the home oxygen people to the house to bring me a small portable tank…

And the bleeder was still bleeding. Not pulsing, the bruise just growing…

Friday. Friday is the CT Myelogram. Here is what I was told would happen… I need to lay on my belly –I don’t know the last time I laid on my belly. Not sure I can. . . The doctor locates a good place to enter my spinal fluid via an X-ray machine. I had one of these done eight years ago. There was no X-ray then. The student hit a nerve and I went flopping around like a fish out of water… Once the dye is inserted, I get tipped on my head to get the dye down to my neck… Eight years ago they left me upside down like that in the hallway for what seemed forever as I hollered to be released! Then I get a CT scan done. Last time the tech wasn’t very sympathetic to my plight. After that I will have to lay flat on my back for four hours. I don’t do “flat.” It’s hard to breathe when I am flat on my back.

Now, I could let all that happened eight years ago and all that the surgeons are telling me now to make me freak out over this procedure. OR I can lay it in God’s hands and let the people I am dealing with know my situation and ask for the best of care.

First thing, explaining the tumors in my back, I asked for a comfortable bed. Got it. That came with TLC from the nurse getting me ready.

Next I let the two doctors and the tech that were going to do the procedure know my situation and asked for the utmost patience. I would do my best to lay still and they would do their best not to hurt me. They were true to their word. They waited for me to figure out how to pull in my own part. The hardest part for me was dealing with the bum left arm. No matter what I did with it, it hurt. I resolved myself to whimpering softly as they worked as fast as possible. The tilting was done quickly. Using the X-ray machine made quick work out of it. Then I rolled over on my back and they took me to the CT. Once that was done I was taken back to the place I started and I was raised about 30 degrees. They didn’t even want me flat! They gave both Dan and I a sandwich and fruit which Dan dutifully fed me. And soon it was time to go. No four hours on my back. We made our way then to radiation treatment with about an hour to waste. It was a trying day. By the time we got home I was happy to be there.  And the bleeder was still bleeding.  Not pulsing, just seeping downleg.

Saturday, I spent in my chair mostly sleeping it all off.   Still Bleeding.  The bruise falling downleg. 

Today, Sunday, we went to church.

Then it was dinner time . . . I was dishing up the dinner and it started. I couldn’t stop it. My legs started to slide in a scissors and with the arm that didn’t work, I couldn’t stop it. I hit the floor with such a thud and a scream that I was sure that I wasn’t getting up without a paramedic’s gurney.

“Don’t touch me! Something’s broken. I think it’s my back…”

They all came running. I was scared. They were scared.

Then I wasn’t.

“Ok, everyone start praying for me. Lay hands on me together, now and pray. God help me! Lord fix what is broken right now before I move.”

Dan and the kids all did as I said. They prayed for my healing right then and there. The pain I felt on impact was no longer there. The terror we all felt on impact was no longer there. Slowly I rotated my body one direction and then the other. I tested my legs and then the arms. Dan helped me move the dysfunctional limb around to the front and I slowly pushed up on both elbows. Then rolled over and on my bottom and sat for a while to breathe. From there I wrapped myself around Dan and inch by inch he stood up with me.

“Thank you, God.” It took a while, but I made it to my feet. God did it. He lifted me. He fixed me. Dan walked me to the living room and my bed. I was shaken, but not stirred. But the tears welled up and cascaded down. “Oh thank you God, for keeping me safe.”

A broken bone now would be devastating to my recovery. It would stop my treatment for a long time. Too long. I was spared a broken bone by the Grace of God. I hit that floor so hard …

I spent the rest of the night here in my chair writing this tale out to you. I don’t know how I was able to get it all out… Maybe it was the thump to the floor that jogged it loose.

I feel like a truck run over me, but nothing is broken. I’m OK.  The ugly bruise down my leg extends from groin to knee.  Still no pulsing.  Just the long ugly bruise.   It’s starting to ease up, I think.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the surgeons to get the results of the Myelogram. I’ll let you know what they say. No really. I will.

I promise. Lol I will.

Maybe Dan will…