www.cancermonster.net

I have so much to report and so little time to do it in. It’s 9:25am and I have to be back to OHSU by noon. I have about thirty minutes to explain. I’ll give it a shot.

The MRI that was postponed for Monday was a circus. Hahah Go Figure. The waiting was NOT the hardest part in this case. As I was coming out of the general anesthesia, I vehemently wanted to know what all these people were doing in my living room. I must not have even been off the slab, because I can still hear them yelling for me to lay still or I would fall off the table. I found out afterwards that I woke up while in the tube and was moving around on them. They had to zap me with more knock-out juice to get me settled back in my cocoon. The next thing I knew, the anesthesiologist, herself, was wheeling me back to recovery, and then she was comforting me as I cried tears of embarrassment. The whole team in both MRI and the Recovery department were great. I was a bumbling idiot! Hahah What the reputation I am gathering at this place. Lolo

There was some serious considerations with this MRI, putting my shenanigans aside. Going in and getting prepped, confirmed Dan and my belief that I have been low in blood oxygen. There was nothing that particular group could do but give me oxygen and document the level. That level was confirmed again on Wednesday in the infusion lab. I will be getting Home Ox as soon as they can get it scheduled. I will be able to judge for myself when I need it.

Then of course, there is the possibility of new tumors. That we didn’t get an answer for until Wednesday. And that would be skipping Tuesday. Tuesday we didn’t have to go to the University. But we did have a three hour appointment with the disability office to ascertain how much assistance that I need from Dan. Now, we know: NONE. Hahah No, not none, just not enough for him to get paid for it. (Turns out 1 in 70 do qualify) Whet we are eligible for is a Home Heath Aid about 90 hours a month. This person can come in and do light housekeeping or what ever I need taking care of. This is paid for by my Disability Insurance. I also have an option of a bather. I met her this morning. She was nice. Had she been a he– Byorn from a high German village where they have no women . . . I might have . . . NO, I wouldn’t. hahah not yet.

Wednesday, we showed up for Chemo and was told that they were waiting for DR R to arrive to see if I was getting my chemo treatment or not. A…WHAT? Yeah, didn’t they tell you? You have a meeting with the radiation people tomorrow, right? Well, there you go.

What the heck. Meanwhile, my feet are so swollen I think they are going to pop and I am, oh, so tired, that I just want to lay back in my chair and take a nap. Turns out that my blood counts were all very low. Three Units of Blood for me it is. It took a couple house just to run down the right stuff and then five hours to drip it all in there. Since we had no idea what the other reason for no chemo was, my PA clued us in.

The pain in my neck and problems in my left arm are, indeed, caused by new tumor growth. I have spots now in the cranial bone — but NOT in the brain, and down my neck spine. Dan and I are meeting with the radiation expert in about an hour now. Evidently, I was the topic of the week at the Sarcoma Interdisciplinary Meeting yesterday. All the best geeky experts in the West– talking about me and plotting about me. Planning about me. Soon there will be a fantastic plan . .. There might be a long simulation done today –Ikky-Yukky . It’s a tube of sorts. Not as scary as the MRI, but…Pray for me.

For me.

Meanwhile, please keep up your part of the plan… PRAY.

Not just for me, now. Pray for everyone. If the person is receptive to being prayed for, then let them know that you are praying for them. If they wouldn’t like it of you prayed….hahah well….

Pray for each other. Pray for everything. Pray for all things.

When praying for me, know that this new development is just another way we can glorify the Lord.

AND the Lord WILL be Glorified.

In All Things.

Hey, guess what?

When I got to the hospital for my sedated MRI… They weren’t expecting to sedate me.

Go Figure.

I had eaten half bowl of cereal. In order to get an MRI today I would have had to fast until at least 5:00p - That’s eight hours. I would do it if I had to. No one told me that I shouldn’t eat. . . because they didn’t schedule it right!

It would have been easier if I just climbed in the tube like a good girl.

I looked at the tube.

It looked at me.

Momma ain’t going in that tube voluntarily. I called yesterday to tell them that. They said it was cool. They lied.

I have an appointment now for Monday @ 12:30. I have to be there by 10:00am and check in as an out patient.

Evidently, the customer service people are not happy that my imaging experience was once again less than perfect.

Maybe I’ll get more flowers . . .

Maybe God needed more time to round up more Angels and Prayer Warriors and such.

Haha Maybe.

There was a couple that Dan and I met this week. Younger than us, with four children and a CancerMonster of their own. We talked about our respective situations. Maybe we will run into them again, maybe not. We said our goodbyes and nice-at-meet-cha’s and went on our way. I thought about them on the ride home and started to ask Dan what he thought about them when it dawned on me that they might be talking about us at the same time.

What do the strangers we strike up a conversation with think about us when we walk away? Very often in our lives we have just one chance to make a difference. Even if it’s just to make some one chuckle that had no intention of laughing. Can you make a difference in someones life in one sitting? Do they say, “That was weird…” as your back turns. Or do the say, “Wow, I hadn’t thought of it that way before.” Is it our responsibility to make a difference in someone elses life? All questions I don’t have the answers to.

I came across the path of many people this week. Never a dull moment in my life. What they think of me, I’m not sure. I had my medications tweaked on Monday, and my lifestyle tweaked on Tuesday. Dr. Pain is great. I think he thinks I have a chance to over come this monster. If not, he hides it well. The ladies I met on Tuesday are used to other outcomes, but they offer so much help that we dearly need now. There might be help with housekeeping and a summer program for the children among many other thing I’ll wait to tell you about. I talked way too much. Haha I hope they think that I am a fighter with an attitude. Does it matter?

Wednesday, we met with Dr. R. I think he is changing his mind about me. Even though I have a new problem every time I see him, I have the same attitude of survivorship. Dr. Pain had called the problem of my left arm not working to his attention on Monday. So when Dr. R walked in he asked what was going on there… “Well, the arm doesn’t want to work, but the real problem is that my left knee is numb now. Totally numb. I fell a couple times today. What can we do about it?” He stared for a second and then said, “You keep trying to fall apart on me, but you pull together again well.”

“Aren’t you glad you inherited me?”

A big grin told me that he kinda was. Hahah Go figure. See, just last week, he was telling me that even though good things are happening - like my right radiated lung opening up again - I need to remember that something catastrophic could happen at any moment. Ya-Ya. I know. But this week was a little different. I can’t put my finger on it, but it has to do with what he thinks about me. Somehow I made a new impression…

The next set of people I crossed was up at the University at my old buddy Dr. House’s department. (Remember “House” is the expert surgeon - the only one in the Pacific NW that could do the surgery right.) We showed up without an appointment and even though the receptionist was highly annoyed, she was kind and helpful. It helped that I commiserated with her about how often Dr R sent people to the Interdisciplinary Sarcoma Clinic without an appointment. That he had done. Because both my left limbs were on strike, Dr R wanted me to see Dr. H right away. Even though I am a patient of Dr. R now and I don’t see Dr House very often anymore, I feel like a joint project between the two.

(We have Dr H, Dr R, and we just need “Puff-n-stuff” then we can sing, “HR Puff-n-Stuff, Always There When Thing Get Rough.” heheh  I loveed that show when I was a kid!)

Dr. House said that the numb knee is caused by that rascally new tumor in my abdomen pushing on the femoral nerve. Hopefully the chemo will reduce the swelling against that nerve and the numbness will go away. It already feels different today. I fell a couple times yesterday, but today has been better. The arm problem is more tricky. The cause is not as clear. The CT scans that I have already on file are not showing a good picture so…

Tomorrow I am getting an MRI!

AGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH! Anyone who has followed this tale a while knows that I am claustrophobic and even more so now than ever. I made it clear that I must have sedation. In fact a few minutes ago I called the imaging department to make sure they had “IV sedation” on record already.

“It says here that you will be getting a prescription from your doctor…”

“Oh, no, no, no. I need to be sedated.”

“It also says that if that doesn’t work there will be a nurse standing by for …”

“Let’s just go ahead and say that it is not going to work and I will be sedated. I need IV sedation.”

I think that was clear. I would have been stronger, but the voice sounded kinda like the woman from the CT that was mean to me. (I am pretty sure what she thinks of me.) I wanted to make sure she didn’t spit in my IV . . . you now what I mean.

Bigger than anything else I need help with today is that whatever is in my neck needs to go away. I need healing prayer for this spot. It might not be a good spot.

I want the MRI to be a WOT (Waste Of Time).   I don’t want to stop the chemo to start radiation. I need the widespread systemic way chemo covers the whole body at once. Or I need to be healed.

I need your prayers. I know it’s late in some parts, but I need your neighbors prayers, too.

Gotta love me. It’s a rule!

Father, God, I give you all Honor and Glory for You are the Master Physician. I ask tonight for 10,000 angels to lift me into your arms. In this peace, I ask the tumors in my body to be removed and blown into the ocean just as your Son told us to command the mountains into the sea. I beg for an inch of His garment . . . An ounce of mud . . . A breath of your Spirit to caress my cheek and heal me now. I do not deserve it. My will is nothing and Your Will is all.   Yet I ask for the benefit of your covenant. When your Son was crucified on the cross and rose from the dead to save us from our sins, that included all diseases, too. My body is Your temple. Please cleanse me of the evils inside. Restore my body to the image you meant for it.

Thank You, Father for your love and grace. Thank you for your healing touch, Lord. I love You with every thing I have, everything I am, everything I will be … for You.

In the Name of Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior, this I Pray

Amen.

I’ll let you know about the MRI… Hopefully there will be nothing to tell.  Tomorrow, tomorrow.

NOTE: The MRI will be at 11:00am pst  

It has been a week since I wrote. I never intended for it to stretch out like that. Time flies when . . .

The blood work for the chemo reveled a low red count. They went ahead with the chemo and then I had to come back on Thursday for two units of the red sticky stuff. The blood took longer to infuse than the chemo. Dan hung with me for Wednesday’s treatment and Pam took a turn for the vampire party. Kudos’ to them both because even I didn’t want to hang out all morning like that. I am so blessed to have both Dan and Pam taking care of me. They each bring something different to the table. As detailed and organized as Dan is with my medications and my appointments and his appointments and the kids lives, he doesn’t get that feminine need for TLC. He doesn’t have time to baby me. And probably doesn’t think it is good for me to be babied. Maybe he is right, but sometimes I need to be babied. He has been working on that more and more, but the babying is mostly Pam’s job.

Pam was nine years old when I was born. I am her little sister. In her mind, it is her job to baby me. I have to admit that I like it. Heheh This morning, for instance, we went to yet another new church. (Once again, the regular pastor was absent, as was the entire music program except for one guitar and it’s master and a young lady singing besides him. Go figure) We walked into the Fellowship hall and the congregation from the earlier morning service was milling about. Dan and I waded into the crowd looking for someone to direct the children to their classroom. When I turned around, Pam was gone. When she resurfaced, she was sporting a more comfortable chair for me than the pew offered in the sanctuary. She also had in tow a woman ready to slide the chair in where ever I wanted it. Hahah Pammywammy.

Men and women look at things differently. I love them both. Pam is going to have to go back home soon and that is breaking my heart.

“How am I doing?” you ask. Well, fair to partly cloudy. I am both doing good and not so great. As far as my mind is concerned, I am clear headed. I slept well last night - better than the night before. This goes back and forth. Physically, I have missed most of the pain today in exchange for a different feeling. I am having problems making my left shoulder and arm work right. I cannot hold up the arm and open and close my fingers to grab something. I think it is nerve damage from the chemo. I will discuss this with Dr. Pain tomorrow when I see him. “Dr. Pain” works in the hospital’s Palliative Care Team. Dr. R. wants me to see him so that he can adjust my pain medications to a workable level. I met Dr. Pain when I was in the hospital. I like him. I think he will be able to help me.

Remember when I was in Moffitt getting the extended chemo and my hands were jumping as I typed? They are doing that again. I have OTC Thiamin to take (B1), but it’s only partially effective at the moment– with my left arm not working, the jumpiness is increased.

When I sleep through the night, the next day is better. If I don’t sleep at night, I have a harder day. I am going to as that before you lay your own head down to sleep, pleased say a prayer for me to make it through the night. Thank you ever so much.

Prayer is the key. Pam and I have been praying together morning and night. Changes happen when you pray. God works mightily when you believe in what you ask. How do I get through my day? With God’s Love and guidance. With patience and perseverance. By setting the devil and his tricks aside and Honoring the Lord in his place.

God is good.

All the time.

Please, pray with us.

One year.

I have been fighting this Cancer Monster for one entire year. On June 16^th, 2007, I went into a small town hospital intending to have a splinter removed from a most inconvenient place and found out that I had BUTT CHEEK SARCOMA. Dan, Brandi, Jaymi, Robert and I were living in a 33’, twenty year old motorhome in a campground that turned out to be my safety lodge. If I could be anywhere right now it would be checked into lot 46 of Coyote Rock dangling my feet off the dock into the waters of the Siletz River that runs between Lincoln City and Depot Bay, Oregon. (Hey Jay, get it good and level for me heh? And Patti, get out of my seat, will ya? I want to sit next to Lenora on the porch.)

My experience that day last year was less than great. Today, I received a vase full of lovely flowers delivered because I had different experience that was not so great. A year late . . . A different hospital . . . the flowers are nice. And very, very unexpected! I have never in my life received flowers from some one who made me mad. Hahaha Not even from a “significant other“. . . No wait . . . There was that one time Dan …ah . . . nope. Not even then. Go figure.

Blow me over. How nice was that?

I really need to get a grip on this confusing life of mine. Here is an example of what I’m talking about:

Today, within an hour I was told two different things.

1) The squished, collapse, trashed right lung of mine… remember? I was told, just today, that it is about 2/3rds reopened!

Can you believe that? Between 50 and 70% reborn lung.

One more radiant zap and it would have been toast. “Three shots and the lung will die and the surgeons will have to remove it…” What they didn’t tell me was that only two zaps was cool! I am aching to know if those same two zaps helped not just radiate those dastardly dangleberry’s in that lung, but if they irradiated them as well. I would love to have Dr. R open the file and say, “Where’d they all go?” hahah I remember being on my death bed in ICU and listening to the Radiologist tell me that after three zaps the lung would have to be removed and actually hearing only, “THE TUMORS IN THAT LUNG WOULD BE REMOVED WITH THE LUNG.“ In fact, I think I reached across myself to unplug a “seatbelt” holding me down so that I could go tell everyone that those tumors would soon be gone.

I just got a picture of the inside of my kitchen oven after running it on the self-cleaning cycle . . . Ashes to Ashes. . . One can imagine.

This was very good news.

Then Dan got a call:

2) The nurse from the Dr. R’s office called to confirmed Wednesday’s activities. “Chemo is scheduled for nine am. You will meet with Dr. R at 8:15 to make sure you are going ahead with the chemo.”

Now, I am sure that that is a standard thing. You have to make sure that your lab work says that you are healthy enough . . . You have to discuss your progress with the doctor to make sure you are able to have the chemo. . . You have to answer that same question: “Are you sure that you really want to go ahead with this treatment?”

Especially since my pajama party at the ER the other night produced evidence of continued growth.

But I was caught off guard by her wording. I am in no way ready to throw in the towel. I do not think the chemo is causing a diminishing of the quality of my life. I do think it was coincidental that I had two chemo sessions and the day after both of them, I ended up in the ER. Neither one had to do with the chemo. (If it happens again, though, I am goin’a’ hafta’ wonder…)

The two different things I was told today effected me in the polar opposite way, see. And caused a mass of confusion in my cerebral cortex. The only thing I could do was to carry it all and dump it at the feet of the Lord.

Really. “Here, God, You sort it out. I am not in charge.”

Herein lies the difference in today’s writings and those of a year ago. A year ago I was flippant and unbelieving. As the year has passed, I have found myself growing inward and upward. Making fun of campers was my way of dealing with the unfathomable. Don’t get me wrong, I was praying for my life from Day 1. It’s just that I was concerned about the privacy of my own beliefs. (IF that makes any sense.) Besides, it was someone else’s story that I was playing out. Not mine. Couldn’t possibly be mine.

We visited another church this weekend and sang a hymn that taught me something…”This is my story, this is my song, Praising my Savior all the day long;”

This is my story. It’s not anyone else’s. It’s my life and I have to live it. As long as I can. As I live this life, I have to tell people my story. I have to tell people that God is good. I have to tell them that God wants to be good in their life too. God has done all this for me, but I am nothing more special than any of God’s other children. You are special too. You have a story. It’s different than mine, but just as important. As long as you live it for God..

I AM HERE TO TELL YOUR TO LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR GOD.

Sometimes He has to use something as horrible as Cancer to tell you to LIVE — really live. Live for God.

In all things, give the credit to the Lord.

For instance, that so-called bum lung of mine is working at 50-70% capacity. The surgeon said that that was more than he could ever have hoped for. Did he do it? Or did He do it? Did the surgeon insert the tube at such an angle that it was able to re-inflate? Did the Radiologist set his bolt of radiation is just the right manor as to save the lung? There was no time for a survey. There was no time for a plan. No time to pin point anything. He had to cover the entire lung. Did the radiologist save my lung? Or did God save my lung?

For some reason, God saved my lung. There is no other explanation.

Yet, I am still riddled with tumors. Wednesday, we will talk with the doctor and see where that other, that new growth is and what it means to the battle. There is still a battle here… I will continue to rebuke the devil and all his efforts to steal what doesn’t belong to him.

My life belongs to my God.

Happy One Year to Me. . . Day 365.

The rumors have been correct. It’s been a tough week.

Increased pain has decreased my ability to get comfortable enough to sleep. Pam tried to help me sleep in the living room. That didn’t happen as easily as planned. One night she brought air mattresses in the living room. Not so great. The next day, she and Dan brought in an overstuffed chase lounge. It was very comfortable once you climbed in… Getting in and out of it changed it’s value. I needed a hospital bed. I needed some sleep.

I was having new pains - mostly, at that point, in my neck and across my shoulder going down the left arm. Wednesday morning before chemo, Dr. R looked up the last CT and saw nothing that would cause that much pain. I had a CT set up for Monday for the surgeon. (It’s time to take out the stitches for the chest tube…) DR. R ordered that CT be combined with a neck CT and have it moved up to that day (Wednesday) after Chemo.

After Chemo. ppfft

After Chemo (which went off pretty much without a problem) we proceeded to the radiology department in the same building as the Cancer center. They were fitting me in. It became too long of a wait for me. Dan and I were both asleep in the waiting room chair in no time. So, I changed everyones mind and convinced them all that there just wasn’t enough time to do it just then. We were given an appointment for 1:00pm Thursday. We went home to figure out how I was going to sleep that night.

The next day, Pam took me up to the hospital on the hill overlooking all of Portland to get pictures taken.

They were behind. A machine was down. These things happen. What doesn’t usually happen, however did. The technicians were a bit frazzled. They didn’t have time to take the care that one needed with someone in as much pain as I am. (Eyes roll to the left…) Without going into the entire story, I ended up screaming for them to get me out of there. “Get me off this Slab!” “Please, don’t slide me in again!” Evidently the speakers were broken and they couldn’t hear me. (Eyes roll to the right…) I couldn’t go in again. I have only one working lung. “Breathe in and hold it.” wasn’t working for me anymore. Now, a CT is about the simplest of all the picture taking machines other than the plan old X-ray. It doesn’t even take very long. This took a long time. The Techs didn’t even get one picture. The whole time they were adjusting me. Wrong. (Eyes rolling continuously…) THEN one of them started “yelling” that she had screwed up, yes, but I should just calm down and she could go ahead and get the scans done. Oh, I don’t think so.

I ended up being debriefed by a Customer Service Rep and being promise priority service when I returned.

I really didn’t want to ever return.

I knew I had many returns to come.

As it turns out, I didn’t return the next day as planned.

Pam brought me back home in worse shape than I was when I left. Now I was in pain and stressed out even more. There was a pain in my left lower abdomen that was getting worse and worse. This felt like soft tissue instead of the bone pain that I usually deal with. I felt that some kind of infection was coming on hard. I had just had chemo and was sent home. Was I getting the chemo out of my body? The last time I went through chemo I was in-patient. There were nurses and doctors all around me to let me know if I was handling things the right way.

The pain got so bad that I needed to be seen. As much as I didn’t want to go back to the hospital, I had to go. Dan took me to the emergency room around seven-ish. It took a while to get me in to a room and started on the service, but they were very kind and attentive. They wanted A) to get me out of pain, and B) to find out where the pain was coming from. That took quite a bit longer. And a CT scan. Hah. I made sure that they all knew what I had gone through that day with the CT from hell.

It was around two in the morning when they came for me to get the CT. Now there were four scans to take: Neck- for Dr. R, chest - for the surgeon, and now the abdomen and pelvic for the ER. They knew what had happened from me and I think from a little looking into what I said as well. This time was very different. There were now two awesome people looking out for me. They didn’t make me get onto the slab until every thing was set up for all the scans. Once they were ready, they helped me get onto the slab gently. They padded my knees and my arms as much as they could. There was a person that stayed in the room with me to help. He would rush out of the room and back in as needed. They had it set so that the whole thing took less than two minutes. And they got me off the slab as soon as the last scan was completed. Like I said, it was very different from the first scan.

Still trying to get me as comfortable as possible, it wasn’t long after I return to my ER room that they brought in a hospital bed. I was very appreciative. They also brought something else. Some news that we didn’t expect.

The pain in my abdomen was from a new tumor. And it might be bleeding.

It hit us hard.

It didn’t help that we were in the same ER room that we were in the last time, although only Dan remembers that. We took a minute to absorb and then I decided to take advantage of the hospital bed they brought me and get some sleep. Poor Dan had just a stool. And a very heavy heart.

It was around five that they decided to send me home instead of admitting me. There was no evidence that the tumor was bleeding after all. (Speaking out of turn is not a good idea…) It was Friday morning. What could admitting me have accomplished anyway. Let’s go.

Now. I need a bed. I need to sleep. Dan needs to sleep. Pam needs to sleep. I need a bed.

We put some people on getting me a bed and Dan went to bed himself. I went to couch. I slept a little while. When I woke, I found out that we just had to have some doctor’s orders to get a bed delivered. I started calling numbers at the doctor’s office. Not too many picking up the phone this fine Friday morning over there. It wasn’t long though, before everyone checked their messages and figured out that teresa had a need.

I told them that I would go on Hospice if I had to, to get a bed. I found out the difference between “Hospice” and “Palliative Care.” Well, the only difference that mattered to me at the moment anyway. If I went on Hospice, it meant that I couldn’t be actively fighting my cancer. No more Chemo. Palliative Care covers less, but you can still fight.

The team at Dr. R’s office must have pulled in favors,because even though they don’t usually do it, Palliative Care produced a fancy-dancy bed that is now sitting in my living room. They delivered it last evening!

I slept all night!

Dan slept all night!

Pam slept all night!

What a difference a day can make. After one night’s sleep, I feel 100% better. My pain is manageable. I am not ready to fall asleep in the middle of my sentences. I feel and look so much better and my attitude has leveled out and nicened up. Lol. Praise God! A few more nights light this and I am back in the running!

Speaking of praising the Lord, we have a church to go to tomorrow! Last week, our new friends and Landlords gave us the name of a pastor to call. We had so much else going on that we didn’t call him until half way through this week. He came over and prayed with us and we just all fell into an instant friendship. Pastor Rick has been so awesome. He brought over frozen casseroles yesterday! We are Blessed to have met him and looking forward to going to his church tomorrow.

Father’s Day tomorrow! What a father my children have to honor. What a man I have to love and be loved by. He has been through the ringer and back, my Love.

• Thank you Dan.
• I am so sorry.
• I am so Blessed.
• I thank the Lord for letting me be your wife.
• I am so in Love with You.
• Happy Father’s day, baby.

Happy Father’s Day to everyone.

It’s been a peaceful day. As apposed to the night. Nothing major there except that I can’t seem to sleep in my room at night. I even took the sleeping pill at midnight. By 4:00am, I had had enough. Every half hour I was sitting on the edge of my bed rubbing the ice cold cloth over my neck and head, bobbing awake ten minutes later just to try to lay all the way down and do it all over again. By 4:00am, I had decided to get up and go downstairs. I had to collect my things on my computer tray and figure out if I could get it downstairs by myself without tripping. Then I started laying out my morning medications and ended up waking Dan beyond the one-eyed stare. I had to explain to him why I had to fly the coop. “I can sleep in that chair down there longer than I can sleep in this bed. And once I am out of here, you will be able to sleep too.” It didn’t take him long to find his robe.

I grabbed an Ativan on the way out.

I don’t know what happened to that particular sleeping pill. The night before, I slept six whole hours before I woke up. I might start out on the couch tonight, I don’t know.

Last night - before the sleeping snafu - was awesomely fun! (Don’t you love the way I make up my own adjectives and adverbs?) Denny and Leenie came over with a movie and Dan fed them with some basic grub. The movie was “Enchanted” and we all laughed our collective tushies off. It was so great to have a “Normal Night.” Not that I even know what normal is, but it was grand. The other McNabb Couple was sure that all of us would love this movie and they were right on the button. The show starts out as a cartoon in the 1940’s manner of girl finds Prince and lives happily ever after. And of course,  this story has a . . .yup, you guessed it, Beautifully-Ugly Step-Queen that will loose her place to girl as she becomes Princess. (The King is dead, not-so-long live the king.) Said Queen pushed Said Girl down the well and she ended up in real time Manhattan where she promply turned from cartoon princess(-to-be) to real girl in a really fancy wedding gown. Who would ever find her there right? How would she ever adapt from the fairytale life to cell phones and television? Of course in the end she finds a new way to live and a new kind of Prince Charming. The old evil queen of the witches did the girl a favor after all.

As the basic storyline of that movie came to me, so did the hidden message it carries. Ya, they all have a message. You just have to look behind the curtain where the man is manipulating the machine… (“Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.…”) -

HEY! Pay attention to this: God has this fantastical way of taking what the devil has devised as punishment and payback and turning it into a fairytale. The only one that Lucifer hates more than you and me,  is God. The punishment he is divvying up is not so much yours as it is Gods. The devil wants to take away everything that God loves - including YOU and ME.  What that idiotic old demon has never figured out is that God is way smarter than him. God may have given all creation the gift of free will, but He kept for Himself the ability to be one step ahead of the world. Maybe the pain you are experiencing now is better than what it would have been had God not intervened already on your behalf. Maybe God is not done intervening on your behalf. Maybe the lesson God is laying out with Lucifer’s blunders is not even for you. Maybe you are the example for someone else. And as the lesson drags out farther than you want it, and you have to fight not to say, “HEY, WHAT’S THE DEAL?” maybe all that whining is covering up your answer. Maybe God is whispering in your ear, “Wait.”

Over the past seven plus years, first with Fibromyalgia and now with Cancer, I have been prayed over more times that I can count. Only one time was I given an answer that I could relate to. (I think I told this story once before, way back in the summer, but I am going to relate it again.) I went forward in a church that we had only visited a few times. Previously, I had been prayed over and not healed promptly so many times that I had a bit of a temper tantrum with God and I told myself I wasn’t going through that again. But for some reason, this day I was compelled to walk to the alter for prayer. The woman that was waiting for me there didn’t know me or my story. I told her I had Fibromyalgia. She didn’t know what that was. However, as she laid her hands on me and started to pray in the spirit, I felt something different. Then she stopped and looked me in the eye and said, (something like) “God knows your in pain, He hears your tears. But He is using this for something else. He said to wait.” I walked away that time thinking, “hmmm, maybe.”

Wait.

Hold on to God’s hand and wait.

That is where I am right now. Sitting with God in the waiting room, holding hands and kicking my feet. It’s going to be all right.  I’m gonna hold on to God’s hand and wait.

I am not very talkative today, but I am sure you are wondering what happened at my clinic visit yesterday.

I had blood drawn first off. My counts were good. Everything they had hoped they would find, give or take. Mostly we talked about my pain level. The morphine, even doubled as it is, is not covering all my pain. I have been taking the maximum dose breakthrough morphine on top of the extended relief version and still the pain is pretty tough. And I have been having anxiety attacks, which I blame on the amount of Morphine I have been taking. (Again, it could be just a fibro-combo problem…) The PA prescribed a new pain patch - Fentanyl Transdermal System (50 mcg/h for 72hours). I wear each patch for three days and then change to a new one. I put the first one on at noon, today. It takes 8-12 hours to feel any results. I’ll keep you posted.

I also got a sleeping pill. If I sleep better, I will have less pain. I slept all night.

I have to be honest. I am not in my happy-go-lucky mood. It’s hard to be chipper when you are rattled with pain. I am counting on this new drug to solve this problem. I pray to the Lord that when I wake in the morning from a full night’s sleep, I will be in a better mood. Please, pray for me.

Pam has her return ticket! She will be back here on Tuesday. Just in time for Chemo on Wednesday. We are going forward with the treatment as previously planned. Dr. R is away on business . . . We will talk to him if he has returned by then; someone else if he hasn’t.

Leenie is on her way over for a hang-out. I will try to write again tomorrow.

Keep praying!

(I wrote Mondays post, but was too tired to edit and put it up. So I have two in a row to enter at once.)

It’s Monday afternoon and all is well.

I feel much better today than yesterday. But the way I felt yesterday was my own doing. Friday and Saturday I kinda over-did it. Over-did it for someone like me anyway. Lol

Friday, my siblings and mom pushed me around IKEA in a wheelchair. That was fun. I wasn’t supposed to get up or push myself in the chair at all. There is, however, a problem with me (as Robert loves to say.) I don’t take many things sitting down. Hahah I shouldn’t have been there, but it made me so happy to be there together. IKEA is the amusement park of European home furnishing and décor. The Swedish Meatball Café is fantastically awesome. And Cheap! If you ever get a chance to check it out, you have to do the round at least once. Follow the Yellow Brick Road … (If you have ever been there you know what I mean.)

When we got home, I went right to bed. And spiked a fever. It took about an hour to get it down. It didn’t make any sense.

Saturday, Kelli and Tim had a housewarming party and family from all sides converged on their new home. The house is fantastic. I am so happy for them. A perfect place for a party. And we had a fabulous party, at that. It was a very nice day.

Every which way I turned someone was taking a picture of me. I have always shied away from photo-ops. I’ve never been comfortable with the way I looked. This time, however, I smiled each and every time until my face ached. I knew why they were taking all the pictures. It was weird, you know. The pictures were to remind them of me when I am no longer here with them. I wanted to scream, “Hey, I am still here, now!” But I understood.

Smile. Your on Candid Camera. . .

When we got home, I went right to bed. And spiked a fever. Again. It took about an hour to get it down. And again, it didn’t make any sense.

So Sunday, I made myself a permanent spot on the living room recliner. I kept myself sufficiently dosed with morphine and over the day I recovered from the previous two. I feel much better today. And I have solved the fever spiking mystery. This fever thing kept happening about twice a day. And as I finally figured out- about thirty minutes after I took the extended release morphine. The doubled dosage that I am now taking seems to raises my temperature as it’s kicking in. I will talk to the doctor about it on Wednesday. It might be something that happens because I also have Fibromyalgia. I tend to have weird reactions to things like this.  I’ve found, however, that a couple Tylenol at the same time keeps the fever at bay.  They were giving me Tylenol in the Hospital…

It’s getting late. Quarter‘a ten. I have been writing this all day on and off. And now I am sleepy. Pam and Anita are going back home in the morning. Pam is coming back within the week to stay and help us

I just rewrote that line over and over as I fell asleep again and again… night night.

Day 352– Tuesday, June 3rd, 2008

Pam and Anita flew out today. I am going to miss them. I miss them already. Pam, however, is coming back within a week to help us for a while. She wasn’t going to leave here, actually. But she has things at home that she needs to take care of and some things back in Florida that she wants here if she is going to stay a while. I had gotten used to the idea of her staying and I am kinda bummed that she went. She left her suitcase here, though, so I know she is coming back. Hehehe

Anita didn’t want to leave either. She wanted to stay another week. She stayed up all night painting my Hutch/Table. It’s beautiful. Just like her. Anita got me an electronic picture frame that holds up to 500 pictures. Holds all those pictures everyone took of me the last few days. While Anita painted, Pam reworked the pictures and loaded me up.

I slept most of the day because I was up and down all night with the girls. I had a hard time staying asleep last night. Tonight I might have to take something. Now they are all gone home. Mom and Joe and Anita and Pam. COME BACK!

In the Morning, I have to go to the clinic for blood work and a look-see. I don’t know what they are going to find when they look. I’m scheduled for Chemo next Wednesday. . .

I am not going to talk much more today. I will catch you up tomorrow after the clinic visit.

Tomorrow is another day.

I am home. Hehehehe Wheew, I tell you what, I never thought I would make it back here. Truly. But here I am, never the less. God had a different plan. Here with my family around me- Dan and Mom, the siblings and the children is such a wonderful feeling.

Wish you were here.

I got home last night, but I didn’t have a chance to let you know. I came home with a beautiful pot of miniature roses that arrived just in time from Arizona! (Thank you Cousin Sherry and Lyle.) I didn’t come home with oxygen! I was tested before I left and I got a 97! I didn’t even study for the test. Go figure.

My sisters and brother showed up in the hospital as I was doing my exit papers. So I brought them along home, too. It was the least I could do being that they flew all the way from Florida and I didn’t even . . . Well anyway, “Hail Hail, the Gangs all Here!” We climbed into our PJ’s early. I got used to being in pajamas in the hospital and the rest of the gang is from the eastern time zone and it was bed time already for them. After a short nap, I had the pleasure of Kelli and Tim’s company and Eric too.

Eric brought me the most exquisite flower I’ve ever had. An Orchid! Phalaenopsis, or the Moth Orchid is supposedly the easiest for beginners. So delicate it scares me! So beautiful that I don’t deserve it. I love it.

This beautiful Orchid reminds me of the Grace my Lord has for me — and for you, too. You don’t deserve it. You have no way of knowing what to do with the Grace you have been given, yet He gives it. Because … He loves you. You can’t earn it. It’s just a gift.

Just like the extra time that I have been given. It’s a gift from my God. I had to explain that to Brandi this afternoon. (I have to catch the other two little ones alone as well.)

“Brandi, I am so happy to have this time with you. As long as it may be, I want to love on you.”

“What do you mean? ‘as long as it may be.”

“I mean that God let me come home, but I really don’t know for how long. It could be a day or a week. A month or more? I don’t know.”

“You mean you could still die?”

“Yes, honey. That’s what I mean.”

I went on to tell her that it was all in God’s hands and that I pray that I can stay a while, but it wouldn’t be as long as we all wanted. She may be just ten, but she is a literal person. Say what you mean and don’t hedge around it. She asked if it meant that she had to be the big girl in the house and maybe if Daddy couldn’t cook dinner, she would have to do it for him. She would get a cookbook, she said. I told her that I wished it was another way. That I wanted to raise her and know her babies.

“You will know my babies, mom. We’ll all be together again real soon.”

“You’re right, Brand. If fact, I will see your babies before you do! I will say, “Come here you little Spirit! I’m your gramma!”

She laughed at the thought of me chasing around her little babies in heaven. So did I.

I hate to do this, but I think I have a responsibility to tell them that I may be home, but…

Don’t get me wrong. I have not given up my fight. It goes on and on. This just has to be done for them.

“Mom, have you talked to the other children about this yet?”

“Not yet. So this is just between us for now.”

“I am a big girl, mom, but Robbie is just a little boy. You probably need to tell him. He thinks your “Home” you know.”

“I know honey and I will.”

I will. Soon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My nephew, Joe - Pam’s son, is here from Seattle for a visit. He brought along his ten month old baby boy. The kids haven’t stopped following the baby around. They love babies.

Dan is just back from the grocery store. Everyone is helping bring in the food. Mom is making a tuna noodle casserole and a big salad for dinner.

Everything is normal, see.

Only it’s not.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I just had a nap. (Kinda, hehe) I laid in the bed and rested while I talked, first with Anita and then with Kelli. I got my second wind. Now I am ready for LOST tonight!! I love LOST. You’re not going to believe this, but when I was dieing, I was thinking about all the things that I would miss.

I kept coming back to this: “Man, I really wanted to see how LOST turned out.”

hahhhhaaaaahahaaaaaaa. Go figure.

Dinner’s ready. Talk to you tomorrow.