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We went to church this morning even though the devil tried to keep me from getting there. I woke up in a foul mood.  And I had nothing to wear to church.  This church is “dressy casual” and I have nothing that matches that description.  Remember before coming to Florida we lived in a motorhome in a campground for six months.  I left all the “dressy casual” clothes behind packed away in the storage unit back in Oregon.  There wasn’t much room per capita for excess clothes.  Most of what I do have is too warm for Florida.  The rest is too big now that I have started the Chemo Diet.  I ended up putting on a pair of jeans and a fancy shirt that is really part of a pajama set Anita bought me for the hospital!

I figure God didn’t care what I had on. And if someone in the church figured out I was wearing a pajama top, oh well. No one called me on it, at any rate.  hahahahah

Once you get to church, all that fussing fades away.

I have been on edge for the last few days.  Chemo starts again soon and I was already freaking out over the thought of it.  I just barely recovered from the first one and I have to start over again.

I have been making a list of ways that I am going to do this one differently, but still I have been worrying this into a huge knot in my stomach.   During this morning’s worship I asked the Lord for help.  Help with the anxiety of going back in the hospital and with the time I am in there.

I got a few things from the conversation.   One, the chemo is part of my testimony.  I have to accept that I have to go through it.  It’s part of the story.  But I will not be alone.  I just have to remember that it will pass and the side effects will fade.  I am going to make signs to hang in my hospital room so that I will not forget when the worse hits me.  “This too will pass.”  “My God is bigger than this!”  “Nothing is IMPOSSIBLE for GOD!”  When my mind starts to wander I will have directions back to the right path.

And God gave me something else today.  I saw a clean bone scan.  I felt a clean body with no cancer.  It was not today’s picture.  It was the picture at the end of the chemo.  Three weeks ago, the doctor in charge of the chemo floor, DR. B,  told me something an unbeliever might find daunting. “Your cancer is treatable, not curable. If the cancer goes away and never comes back, it won’t be because of anything we [doctors] did.  It will be a MIRACLE.”

I am betting on the miracle and praying for the Doctors.

Along with the reminders on the walls, I am going to take control of the food that is brought in the room.  I don’t want anything cooked, no matter how appetizing it might or might not look.  The smell of it is what makes me sick first. (The taste second. Lol)  I made a list of the things I was able to eat after I got out of the hospital last time. I am hoping I will be able to eat them while I am in the hospital too.  Raw vegetables like grape tomatoes and cucumbers, wheat flaky cereals, cheese, Jell-O, fruits like peaches and grapes.  I had a hard time with water even, but spring water was better than purified water.  No caffeine - that means coffee or cola. I have been having hot decaf tea in the mornings. (No wonder I am so tired!)  Ginger ale or diet un-colas. Sweet tastes didn’t go down well, but Clamato juice and V8 Fusion tasted good.  I don’t know if any of this will work, but it’s worth a try.  If you don’t eat for three or four days your bound to see things that aren’t there, whether or not your on chemo.

I’m not going to try to read - I still have flashes through my eyes from the last time.  And I am not going to beat myself up if I can‘t write.  I will have my computer with me. If I can write great.  But I worried about not being able to last time.  I’ll try to get you an update or two through Dan.  This time I will expect not to read or write while the chemo is dripping and there will be much less stress.  Less stress is good.

I plan to be sitting in the chair in the daytime more than lying in the bed. And I want to try to get to the open art studio once.  I want to walk around more this time.  I want I want.

Mostly, I want to try to stay firmly in reality.  And if I can’t, I want to remember that there is a way back.  And throughout the four days I want to pray.

This change in my attitude and the change in my medicines will change the results.  I have to believe this.  It can’t be like last time.

I have to do what ever I have to do.

Even though what I want to do is to go back to the beginning of the summer.  Go back to the park on the Siletz River and kick my feet in the water.  I miss Clyde. I miss campfires and S’Mores.  I want it all to go away.  I want a do-over.  I want to move slightly to the right or left and miss the fluke that planted itself in my tush.

I want a different tomorrow.

But since that won’t be happening I will have to march forward with my head up and deal with each today as it is.

And I have to do what ever I have to do.