Day 217– Sunday, January 20th, 2008
20 01 2008Has anyone seen my sense of humor? Ever since this Chemo started, I haven’t been able to find it. I must have set it down somewhere.
I’ll keep looking.
I have to tell you something. I am amazed. I never asked you to pray for my eyesight, but I know that you have. There is a new filter in front of my eyes and I can see more clearly. I kid you not. It started a couple days ago, but I didn’t say anything to anyone. But I felt the prayers working. Thank you.
Now, let me tell you about the rash on my face . . . Lol
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We just came from church. If you don’t walk away from your church knowing that God was there, if your not totally spent from the worship, if you have not been convicted and delivered from the rigors of everyday life, find a new church.
I don’t say that lightly. I have cancer. I don’t have time to sit through a dead church. I need the Spirit working overtime. If I could have teleported each and every member of my family into the pew beside me this morning, I would have. It was that powerful.
Dan and I needed this today. We are trying to figure out what we are going to be when we grow up. Praying for guidance. Asking God for a lighted path to follow. “God doesn’t always tell us how he going to take care of us. But he has it covered.” I heard that this morning in church. Fits.
I need a nap.
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Sometimes, for long stretches of time, I forget that I am sick. I can even forget that I wash my hair in the sink and hang it to dry. Heck, I sometimes forget that I don’t have my wig on.
This last part of my three week cycle is the weirdest, I think, because I am almost normal again. I can eat and drink normally. I can think pretty clearly. If it weren’t for me sleeping so much, I would be my old self - except for the baldness. “Why is that weird?” you ask. Because I am not normal. I am not my old self. I’ll never be that person again. It’s just an allusion.
The worst part of the last week of the cycle is that I start to think about the hospital again. The next cycle should start on Saturday the 26th, but that is Brandi’s 10th birthday. We are going to ask to start on Sunday night. I have a week. Why am I wasting my thoughts on next week?
These are the kinds of random thoughts that run through my head. I can’t imagine anyone else is interested in these ramblings.
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I just came from the grocery store. It’s actually pretty chilly here in Florida. It’s in the low 50’s. (Oh, no. They have turned me! No. no not yet. I said it was chilly, not cold.) The wind is blowing at a pretty good clip. I had to hold on to my hair walking across the parking lot. How would one handle losing their wig to the wind with grace?
I wish I had the guts of the woman I met in radiation. She had no hair. Her makeup was done perfectly and her jewelry framed her face. She wore no wig. She was beautiful.
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9:30p
I need your prayers more now than ever. I am struggling with who I am. And who I will be, I am not perfect, not even close. I need guidance. I need knowledge. And sometimes I need duct tape for my mouth. But first and most, I need healing. For my body as well as my mind and my heart.
I am human after all, Dr. H. Go figure.
Hey Girl, We are thinking and praying for you everyday. And you still sound as if your sense of humor is still there.We are with you through the good, the bad, and the ugly.Don’t ever think we arn’t interested in you, or what you have gone through,and are still going through.When you write about bad day’s, that just makes us pray a bit harder, and we celebrate the good day’s with you too.And from the pics you’ve put on here, we think your beautiful.Especially Jay as he has no hair too, and he always says bald is beautiful.We look forward to reading your words. All Our Prayers, Jay & Patti & Coyote Rock
Lady, you left yourself open for this. You said, and I quote “I am struggling with who I am. And who I will be, I am not perfect, not even close. I need guidance. I need knowledge.” ANSWER : YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD! You are, and will be, ministering to many lives to come. No you are not perfect,if you were, you wouldn’t need our savior, Jesus, now would you. God has the big plan and knows when to let you in on it, so that you don’t take on anymore than you can handle and won’t run from it. Where He leeds, He will supply your needs.
The Word says, “Don’t worry about anything, will it gain you another day? Instead pray without ceasing and the Father will grant the desires of your heart.” I only learned this through trial and error. More error than trial.
Be encouraged, He put the enemy under your feet.
I love ya little sister.
Greg
T…. I thought I would poke you a bit myself here…
Being that I got nine years on you, and at the top of the hill looking over. Going through the experience of what the world has named.”The Change”. I felt the need to quote some words of wisdom which was quoted to me these past few years by some other of wiser then I. Much wiser with degree’s in Doctrine who felt a need to remind me of a few things about some of my complaints that I
was expressing going through during this time In my life. Eye sight was at the top of that list, and reminded me of this. Because second on that list is forgetfulness. A symptom as bad as the knees starting to creak now and your not the only one now who can hear them. When your head becomes much too heavy for your shoulders to hold up anymore for long periods of time. When your reminded of that song as a kid, that goes which bone is connected to the next. (you know) and start singing it like this, the neck bone pain is connected to the shoulder bone pain…… and so on and so on.
Sweetie, I am not trying to take away your right to complain about what your cancer is doing to your body. I know it is bad. I am sad that your having to
experience this. At the same time the fact is that old age might be taking it’s natural coarse. That part is hard enough to accept. I didn’t like the idea that I was told I needed to start wearing glasses when I had good eye sight all my life… Something that you were never blessed with, but I took for granted. When the Doc said, it happens when you get to be your age. What? Talk about poking! I was just thinking that you could easily mix up the two experiences your going through right now. There is the cancer and all its symptoms. And then there is the old age syndrome. Which you are at the beginning stages of experiencing, and might not be totally aware of yet. It was a shock for me these past five years I tell you. Just to remind you of this so not to get too afraid when it feels really bad, cause part of that could be normal stuff. Don’t panic! However it would be normal to be somewhat depressed about. As you begin to feel better that will pass.
Now as far as a sense of humor goes….. Uhmmm…. It takes a lot to make me laugh at jokes. It has to be really funny, and I don’t care for those sitcom shows because I don’t find them that funny. So there have been times I have accused myself of having a sick sense of humor about those things that did make me laugh. Like if someone did something stupid and got hurt, and you found it funny and laughed about it before asking them if they were alright. I am ashame to admit that I have done that.
That example isn’t my point I am trying to make about the person who you are. Quite the opposite. But it does explain how humor and worrying or caring for the well being of another can sometimes come in play at the same moment together. Does it make sense? Not really. Maybe it is like a battery that has a negative and a positive which creates powered inside yourself. If something rotten has happening in your life. What gives one the ability to find some humorous moments about the experience? How does one
keep a good disposition, holding your chin high and be able to make others laugh! So in some weird sick way it becomes funny? Why does that happen? Is it because humor is the best medicine, as it has been said? I believe that I have laughed about something when I shouldn’t have at times to keep from going into hysterics. Sort of way it kept me sane.
Teresa, honey I realize that I am not having to experience the feelings of being ill as you are, and my life right isn’t in the hands of a doctor mixing some miracle formula in a horrible cocktail being injected into my body. But you know if I could take your place in that chair I would without thinking twice. I would do it for your children who need you. I don’t wonder where your strong faith, being brave and fighting with vengeance is coming from. I know…. You have way too much to live for. You have unfinished business to see to, for the love of your children. There is nothing in life that holds as much emotional endurance then a mother’s need to care for their children. It is the example of how a fragile small person in a moment of panic can lift a two ton truck, if it was laying on top of one so loved.
You know we all can relate what you must be going through in your effort to keep up with this Blog. At a time when your sick, tired and don’t really feel like talking about it anymore. I know is taken it toll and sometimes feels like it has become more of an obligation that you wonder why you got yourself into. As much as it may have felt like a burden, I think it also has been a blessing for you too. It keeps your mind alert which helps you cope. It has to be releasing stress that you would have kept bottle up inside yourself. You don’t need to feel guilty if you haven’t written for some days, because you hadn’t felt like it. I am sure everyone understands. The majority who come in here and read this regularly are your family and friends anyway. God has bless you with a family who cares and loves you T. There is nothing bad about that! God is no doubt by your side. You also have a lot of family and friends here for you as well! In part all of us are also experiencing what you are going through. We feel your pain. We want you better, and all we can do about that is rely on God’s power in our prayers. But I think in the long run that this Blog has been good for you and has helped. As someone who writes in forums often I know how strange this all may becoming for you. Your realizing that you have a large audience reading your feelings about something that is really a personal matter. But I do believe it is a good thing and I wouldn’t want you to give it up. You say you don’t know how it is going to end. Maybe thats not so important. Teresa, none of us know how our plans will end. So it is just a waste of valuable time to worry about that. I just wanted you to know that I feel this blog is another good example of how a positive and a negative can exist in the same space and can create power…..and right now power is what you need. it is possible. All things are possible with God! I love you!