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Day 27
Thursday, July 12th, 2007

Good morning sunshine.

It’s not yet 9:00a and the sun is bright.  The birds are chirping.  It’s very peaceful here on my porch.  The neighbor calls out “You’ll hear today!” as she walks past on her regular route with her dog on a leash.  She is a sweet woman.  She and her husband are from Alaska.  This is their third year full time in their RV. Her husband works construction just like mine.  Most of the full time people here in the park are in town working on some kind of job.

There are no “tribes” here at the moment.  The children around are mostly well behaved and quiet. That’s good and bad.  It makes for a more peaceful morning, but it makes my three the loudest in the bunch.  J (the caretaker here in the park) says that my kids are pretty good mostly, but I still push them hard to follow the rules.  Those of you that are mothers can relate.  When a child misbehaves, it’s a reflection of the mother.  No one says, “Look at that kid! Where is his father?”. No, it’s the mother’s fault.  Kids need their mothers, if for no other reason than to have someone to blame for their behavior.

Kids need their mothers

There is that little thought again.  No matter how far away I try to keep from that thought, it sneaks around the back and slips in there.

My kids need their mother.

Period. End of discussion.

I hear them moving around inside.  At 41, I could be done with kids.  Sometimes I think I am too old to have young ones about.  There should be a law keeping middle aged women one hundred feet from any small child!  Lol.   At first people think that Dan is not Kelli’s father since there is such a difference in her age and the little ones.  They assume that Kelli must be from a different marriage.  And in fact, she is from a different marriage.  But Dan is her father.  Dan and I separated and divorced not long after she was born.  We were apart for nearly eight years.  The first half of that we spent fighting in court.  Then we became friends.  We weren’t friends before we married.  I know that sounds odd, but it is a mistake that many couples make.  We dated for only three months before we got engaged and were married three months later.  We had Kel right away.  We never really had a chance to get to know each other well enough to be friends.  When it got hard we ran.  Then somehow it was always Dan that bailed me out of tight spots.  He was sympathetic when I broke up with this bloke or that.  I even married someone else.  That didn’t last long.  And Dan was there to pick up the pieces.  When I joined Amway with Joe and Brenda, Dan got in my downline.  When I joined a church, Dan did too.  I moved in with my mother.  When Dan would drop Kelli off my mom would say, “Dan, did you eat?” and another place would be set.  He was like the old bad penny that kept bouncing back!  Haha.  Or a good friend.

I would regularly say “Dan, we are not getting back together.”  “Of course we aren’t. Who said anything of the sort?”  But, you know, every once and a while, Hell does freeze over!  It was an argument out of no where between my mother and me that did it.  I needed to find a new place to stay quickly.  I picked up the phone without thinking and called Dan.  “Come right over.  You can stay here until you find something else.”

I never found something else.  We were remarried on our tenth anniversary.  And had the three little ones within a couple years.  That has been ten years ago.

The difference this time?  We made a promise. “Nobody Leaves.”  When it gets hard, we work it out.  We never threaten to walk out.  We never throw the past up in a fight.  We are each other’s best friend.  That is the difference.  ‘Till death do us part.  We hold hands and kiss in front of the kids.  They groan and hoot, but I know that they smile when they think we aren’t looking.  I try not to cut him down in his kids eyes.  And I tell my kids how much I love their father.  I don’t complain about him to my family or his - even when I am so mad at him.  He is a good father and my “split-apart”.  And I am so blessed to have him now.

That is the difference.

********************

It’s now 11:00a and still no call.  Time for me to get on the phone.

I called the treatment center and while I was on hold, the kind young man called OHSU.  He relayed the message that “they” were finishing up my paperwork and would call me today with an appointment for early next week.  That’ll work.  The call came a short while later.  Dr H’s assistant at OHSU let me know that the good doc will see me on Wednesday, July 18th, at 3:30. I will be listed as medically needy  (or something to that effect) instead of “self-pay”.  What ever works.  She seemed to think surgery would be planned within a week.

OK.  Surgery.  How much of a surgery?

Whatever it takes.

I then called Dr K’s office in Portland with a request to have him call me back.  He did so quickly, as always.  I felt that I was somehow being disloyal to him going to see another surgeon.  At least he needed to know from me what was going on.  And I wanted to get his opinion of the group at the university.  He said it was a good thing to go up there.  The group was well known.  He wanted to know what they planned to do.  (So do I!). I told him what the assistant said about scheduling surgery.  “I would hope they would do radiation first to shrink it.  What did Dr E say?”  I told him that I got the impression Dr E felt the best action was removal at whatever cost.   “Maybe so.”

Maybe so.

Dr K also said that he had planned to present my case to his group tomorrow.  I wonder if he will still do that.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow. . .