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NOTE: I started this on Monday or Tuesday of last week and wrote a little bit here and there. You will hear a flood of different emotions come through because it has been a week filled with varying thoughts and feelings… I guess I spent too much time entertaining the devil this week and not enough time basking in  God’s Love…But something happened to change all that…Read on.

I have been writing a little bit every day this week, but it hasn’t amounted to much. Hopefully, I will write enough to post today. I know that you don’t get that. Whatever I write, I should post. But it’s not that easy. I should be able to write what I feel and move on. But like I said, it’s not that easy anymore.

Why? Hmm. Let’s see. Different people read this differently. To some, I am this amazing font of strength and inspiration. I guess I did this by having a persona of who I would want myself to be if I could be. Does that make any sense? I wish I was the person that faces a monster head on and doesn’t flinch. Maybe you know that I am flinching and you don’t care. That would be my first wish. Because I am. Flinching.

I have to be this person, but I am having a harder time of it lately. This is hard on my family and it’s my doing. Not that I could have stopped it from happening, but it’s my fault that my husband can’t work outside the house; that he has to take care of me. He is under so much stress. It’s crushing him. He has to figure out how to make ends meet and make me well at the same time. I am not helping. I wish there was something I could do to take the pressure off of him. But it seems that I only do the opposite. Illness is hard on a relationship. Ours is no exception. The difference, maybe, that we have is that we believe in what the Lord can handle. I don’t know how someone would do it without faith.

I don’t know if I told you, but we have found a church. It’s rather large by our standard, but there is something pulling us to it. I found out today (It’s Sunday, July 13^th, now) what it was that is pulling us in. This afternoon, after the 11:00 service, a group of church elders met with us in a side room and prayed over me. We needed this so badly. No matter how much faith you have, you need the faith of others to boost you. That reminds me of a plaque I bought for Dan many years ago. It’s hanging now in my living room. (Right above the hospital bed I now sleep in.)

Proverbs 27:17

Iron Sharpens Iron.

So one man Sharpens Another.

We need the fellowship of other Christians. We need the support and encouragement of fellow believers. Today, I learned from “strangers” that within the Christian Community there are no strangers. We are all family in Christ. How do those who don’t believe make their way in life without that? How many years we spent Un-churched and missing out on the fellowship of others. Please, find a church. Take your time doing it. We spend the past three months going from one church to another until we found the right fit. Today a group of people that we had not yet met, enveloped me and lifted me up to a place I longed to be. They reminded me of what God can do. They picked me out of a funk and deposited me at the feet of my Lord. They cleared out the cobwebs and anointed me with oil. I am truly blessed.

For my husband, they did the same. They prayed for his peace and set him back on track. They prayed for his finances and Blessed his business. They prayed against the spirit of poverty and oppression and fear. They rebuked the devil from interfering in our relationship and asked the Holy Spirit to calm his nerves.

What a day. What a way to live.

They prayed for my children to see what God is doing in our lives and remember it in their hearts forever. Fantastic. The way that God saw what we needed and delivered it through some pretty remarkable people.

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The other strange thing about being in this radiation unit is that it isn’t the same radiation unit that I remember from being in the ICU. When they wheeled me in on the stretcher with my right lung collapsed, I saw the unit as extremely dank and smooshed. I was brought in from the ICU flat on my back and that is how I saw the whole unit. It was as if everyone was in miniature. I remember, see, that the walls were caved in. I felt as though the rooms were condensed; it was as if the thick walls needed to protect from radiation was built into the room instead of out of the room. (If that makes any sense.) I don’t remember Dr. F from that time. Since he has been with the university since 2006, I am sure he was involved in the decision to nuke my lung.

Dr. F is an expert in radiation to the brain and the lung. Go figure why we have been matched up. So far, his prescriptive zapping seems to be helping. The radiation staff treats me with kid gloves. I have more movement in my left arm. I am tired, but not as nauseous as I am on the chemo. Although, that will return once I am through with this radiation, I suppose. I have a wheel chair that I use when I go out. Not that I can’t walk, but I get tired quickly. I also have oxygen to use when needed now. Don’t get me wrong, though. I feel good. It’s amazing. But I do feel better.

It will be a busy week. Radiation everyday and a couple appointments on Wednesday. Thursday there is a lecture on the advancements in Sarcoma treatment that we really want to attend. I also get to hire a helper! Through my disability office, I get to have some help a few hours a week. I have a list of ladies to call and set up interviews. Go figure. Isn’t that nice. There’s that silver lining they are always talking about, hey?

Sunday night again now…Monday morning now. . . I fell asleep