www.cancermonster.net

Morning 

I didn’t write yesterday.  That’s not exactly true.  I edited my previous pages and uploaded most of them to the blog site.  Strange thing, blogging.  Who could have predicted how popular blogs would become.  It’s not just the kids anymore.  Celebrities, corporate execs and 41 year old mothers are blogging too.

Why anyone wants to read about the lives of people they don’t know is beyond me.  It’s fun, I guess.  Reality TV stars, the whole generation.

About 4:00p yesterday, we found out that we still have no place set for the radiation.  People are fighting over me, all right.  It’s just that they are fighting over who HAS to take me.   It’s frustrating, to say the least.  The longer it takes to get the radiation started, the bigger my tumor grows.   And the smaller my confidence in Dr H’s ability to save my leg.  What is the use in having the best surgeon in the world offering his services when the rest of the team stands with their hands tied behind their backs.  It’s not the doctors’ fault.  There are those without a medical degree holding the stamp of denial.

Meanwhile, I think we may have to reevaluate those options the doctor set in front of us two weeks ago.  Radiation first may be the best path, but sometimes, when you are hiking in the woods you come across a fallen redwood blocking the way.  You could chop it to pieces IF you owned the right axe.  If not, you could climb over it.  IF it has not been grown over with thorny vines.  When all else fails, you have to go back and pick another path.

Removal at all costs was once the only path.  What good is the new highway if only the well traveled are permitted entrance?

I have no insurance and no lofty bank account.  I get no invitation to the party.  It seems I am not on the A list. I could get a gown at Goodwill if it’s just my attire keeping me from getting a ticket to the show.

These denials tend to come on Friday at close of office.  Go figure.  So, another week has gone by while I literally sit on this aggressive, High Grade Sarcoma of unnamed origins as it gains ground.  The Monster has won another battle.  But he has not won the war.

I have news for the Monster:  I may have IT, but IT doesn’t have me. 

Dan has come up with a marvelous idea.  We are going to hide the swimsuits in the trunk and load the kids in the car for a ride up the river to the fabled town of Siletz.  We haven’t been there yet even though we have lived on it’s river for three months now.  We hear there is a park up there with a crystal clear swimming hole.  Who knows? Maybe I’ll throw my suit in too.  What could it hurt . . .   It was a good idea Dan had.  One that might, just might, keep him from running off to Portland to confront a pencil pusher.   He’s mad.  And he’s scared.  And he is not gonna take it anymore.

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6:00p

Sometimes when your not listen closely enough, God has to move you to a more beautiful place with better reception.  And sometimes, He  places someone there to relay the call.

I met such a person in such a place today.  While wading in the clear cold water of the Siletz river at Moonshine Park,  I struck up a conversation with a stranger and came away with a new friend.  Whether I ever see her again or not, I will never forget her.  She calmed my spirit and renewed my strength. She drew my story out of me and made it less scary somehow. She told me she saw my faith and that she didn’t feel a sense of foreboding around me.  She told me that it would be ok. And I believed her.  When we both realized that we were shivering and turned to the shore, I said, “I think it’s time to go now.  I have done what I was supposed to do here.”  She smiled. “You think so?”   “Oh yes.”   And then SHE thanked ME!

“Why are you thanking me when it was you who listened and comforted a stranger?”

“Thank you for sharing your story with me.  You have shown me how to be strong.”

I am still amazed.

When I got back in the car I told Dan that he only thought it was his idea to take a drive up the river.

And me without a paddle too. Go figure.