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9:00a

I promised to fill you in on the rest of my yesterday. And since I don’t have much else to report on today, I will.

After my conversation with the lady in the waiting lounge, I headed into the Tropical Room for my own session under the heat lamp.

“How was your weekend with the family?” Inquiring minds wanted to know.

“It was good! It was bad, but it was good!” confusion. “I had a wonderful time. I had a bad weekend, but a wonderful one with my kids and hubby.”

“It was bad, but it was good?”

“Yes, exactly.” hahah. I went on to explain that I was sick most of the time.

“You had a cold?”

“No, it was a ‘You did it’ kind of sick. You said you wouldn’t hit anything that would make me sick. But, I think you did.”

“Oh . . .”

“And I was in pain. I must have overdid it.”

No, this pain wasn’t in my calf, or in my ankle. It was my whole blasted leg on fire. I explained it all to C who is standing in as “BB, the nurse” in this week’s episode of StarGate. The skin looks better than expected though. We also talked about my nausea and yucks. She pulled up my latest scans and didn’t see anything that would cause this reaction. “I don’t know what to tell you? There is prescription stuff that will work better than the OTC medicine your taking.”

“I don’t have any money for new prescriptions this week.”

“We have samples. I will look through BB’s magic drawer.”

When Dr G came in, he wanted to hear about my pain. “I have been in pain for years. This weekend, it was as bad as I ever felt. I used my cane most of the time just to stay off it. The more numb the tumor gets the more painful my leg is. . . On a scale of one to ten? A ten. It shoots down my entire leg. By the time I get into bed at night, it’s on fire. I just writhe on until I finally fall asleep.”

“That makes sense to me. The radiation is causing swelling that is pushing on the nerve endings.” He took a look at the bump. “Wow, it’s softer! That is a good sign. Sarcoma’s tend to just get hard as a rock and sit there. It usually takes them a while after the treatment is over before they start to shrink. This is mushy like there is fluid building around it. That’s why there is so much pain. It looks like this is reacting to the treatment already.”

It was good to hear that he was encouraged. It was bad to hear the encouragement was the cause of my pain.

“Start taking two of the extra strength Vicodin at a time. If that doesn’t cover the pain, I can add a long lasting pain medicine and the Vicodin can be used to stop the break through pain.”

Two at a time. Hmmm. That is 15mgs.

I did take two of them last night. That’s why I couldn’t finish this story! I was quite stoned. There is no way I can take two 7.5 Vicodin and drive anywhere but off the road into a ditch. Two at a time will have to be only for desert.

“As for the other problem, I can’t see what is causing your nausea and diarrhea. According to the scans, the radiation is not hitting anything that would cause this. I don’t discount your distress, I just can’t explain it. The increase in the Vicodin will help since narcotics generally cause constipation.”

“That hasn’t been much of a problem so far.”

I also wanted to get his opinion of what I can expect after the surgery. “I know this is not your field, but I am trying to make plans for after the operation.” I told him what BB had said, and what the scheduler said, and I watched as his mind whooshed it all together like a wine connoisseur tasting a new vintage. “Certainly, you will need physical therapy. Dr H will have to remove a large part of the muscle. There will be no getting around it. As far as how much and where, I would call up there and ask his nurse. You need to ask a medical professional this question.”

I get the impression that no one can tell me what to expect. Until Dr H gets in there, it’s anyone’s guess. I think in a large part, it will be up to me. If I decide to lay in bed like a sack of potatoes growing buds in the dark, I will get moldy fast and need a farmer to extricate my body from the muck. If I decide to get up and walk, if I cowboy-up and do my own diligence, I will not need to be dug out with a spade. I will not go to a nursing home. I will go to my own home! I will do whatever it takes in the hospital before I am released and I will go home to Lincoln and my river and my friends and I will send my kids back to their school while I kick my own butt into gear. I will become a tri-athlete in training for the competition of my life. I have to decide this now. I will not go gentle into the good night, evening or good afternoon. It will be hard. And I am scared silly. But I don’t have the time or money to sit down and give up. All the mistakes and delays that have made this situation what it is, will not make me a victim crying my own river to overflowing. I will not sink my family in the mud. I won’t. I promise.

Pray for me, will ya? Because this will take Bigger Hands and a Bigger Will than my own to accomplish.

That being said, I must go get ready for my radiation treatment: day 17.

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10:30a
Just so you know I am human, after writing that with bravado, my shower was wetter than normal. But only under my eyes and down my face.

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2:00p
Today’s session was unremarkable. I am resting here at the hotel. In a little while I am going across town to visit with Leenie and Denny.

I might be late. Don’t wait up.

But keep the light on. . .